My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Ahnissi]

Some people say, that failure is proof that the desire wasn't strong enough. Let's discuss this very interesting topic.

Интересно, откуда изначально взята такая формулировка?
Desire здесь IMHO не совсем в тему, will подошло бы намного лучше.

[gburanov]

Интересно, откуда изначально взята такая формулировка?
Desire здесь IMHO не совсем в тему, will подошло бы намного лучше.

Да вот что на форуме было то и взял

http://www.gday.ru/forum/1126353-post857.html

[Lavrentiy]

Dear friends,
This is another my attempt to write an outstanding essay This time I concentrated on time limits and targeted to write no more than 280 words. Result: 35 minutes and 301 word
I!

----------------
(1) Analyzed the task, I have chosen to write a (2) suggestion essay.
---------------

Essay.
While it is commonly agreed that childhood is the best time in (3) a life, sometimes it could turn out (4) to be a nightmare if your family has (5) relocated and you have to change (6) a school. Is (7) that ( a new (9) and unfamiliar environment or new (10) and hostile classmates that make a newcomer feel uncomfortable? This essay will take a closer look at some possible steps that school administration could take (11) to assist new students with (12) obstacles they might face.

The first challenge every new student has to deal with is a new environment, such as (13) new city, new people and, in some cases, (14) new mentality. One possible way to assist the newcomer could be (15) a help from a classmate that (16) will be willing to lead the newcomer in all (17) his/her actions for the first period of time. If such measures were taken in every school, many new students (1 would (19) feel themselves “at home”.

Another problem that could emerge in (20) a class which the new pupil has entered, is a hostile attitude from those who consider themselves (21) “old members”. In this case, it would be a good idea if teachers were able to investigate specific reasons that led to (22) a conflict and offer the classmates to “take a look from another angle”. For example, ask (23) a newcomer to tell the class a funny ort interesting story about (24) him- or herself, (25) with a positive focus on the issues that caused (26) a conflict. (27) Thus, it will help the classmates to discover their new member from a different perspective and solve the problem.

All in all, it is clear that any freshman might have several problems in a new school. However, all problems could be resolved if (2 the teachers and (29) the classmates alike were to help and make the newcomer feel (29) him- or herself at home.
---------------

Thank you very much!

(1) Having analyzed (?)
(2) “suggestion” (?) – ne uveren, chto ponjal. Kak po-russki hotel skazat’?
(3) a – ne nado
(4) to be – ne objazatel’no
(5) relocated = moved house. Luchshe?
(6) a – ne nado
(7) it, a ne that
( the, a ne “a” –ja dumaju: change of school uzhe opredeleno vyshe.
(9) and – lishnee
(10) smotri (9)
(11) to assist with obstacles – imeet protivopolozhnoe zhachenie, chem – to assist with overcoming obstacles. Do you get it? It’s funny!
(12) the – nado, t.k. opredeljaetsja slovami “they might face”.
(13) a – nado
(14) a – nado
(15) a – ne nado
(16) would, a ne will – soglasovanie vremen
(17) their, a ne his/her. Zdes’ “their” imeet smysl edinstvennogo chisla, t.k. pol ne opredelen.
(1 would have felt – t.k. gipotetichskoe predpolozhenie?
(19) would have felt at home. – luchshe. To feel yourself – kal’ka russkogo “chuvstvovat’ sebja” po-anglijski zvuchit zabavno. Pravilno, konechno, no v to zhe vremja euphemism for masturbation.
(20) the class
(21) old members – v etom kontekste (SHKOL’NOM!) nikto nikogda ne skazhet. “Members”? Budet backlash seksual’nogo double-entendre!! Ne znaju, chto posovetovat’. Old timers? No shkol’niki tak ne govorjat. A kavychki podrazumevajut rech’ pdrostkov! Pass… Anybody help?
(22) the – (?) t.k. predlozhenie nachinaetsja “in this case” – opredelennyj case.
(23) the
(24) about themselves, smotri (17)
(25) focusing on the issues that… - luchshe?
(26) the
(27) This will help… (?)
(2 the – ne nado
(29) the – ne nado
(30) feel at home ili feel welcome.

S artikljami ja tozhe ne ochen’ druzhu, poetomu ne garantiruju, chto prav.

[ATALI_ocean]

[QUOTE=AndrewEA;796587]From them I found out how to speak, how to behave myself at society, etc. >>
Эссе не плохое, но, мне кажется, эта фраза не удачна. 1. не корректоно - From them -типично русск оборот , вариант: basing on their experience ... or something like that 2) behave myself лучше просто behave (уже умеет ввиду myself) in society
Так логика есть, и заключение тоже. Мысли понятны. УДАЧИ!

[lyly]

To Balamut5: Thanks again for your starightforward feedback and for takining your time to make some sense out of my essay. I appeciate it.
By the way I red the essay the nex day after I had posted it, and I was suprised to read such gibberish (I am reffering to my essay, which contains some quite unsubstantated paragraphs). Well, I guess that is what you get for writing when you're under pressure and overtired. Anyway, if there is one thing that have learnt, it's to get a good night's sleep before taking the test

Thanks again

[gburanov]

а у меня такие хорошие или такие плохие текста что никто даже ничего не сказал?)

[Balamut5]

To Balamut5: Thanks again for your starightforward feedback and for takining your time to make some sense out of my essay. I appeciate it.
By the way I read the essay the nex day after I had posted it, and I was suprised to read such gibberish (I am reffering to my essay, which contains some quite unsubstantated paragraphs). Well, I guess that is what you get for writing when you're under pressure and overtired. Anyway, if there is one thing that have learnt, it's to get a good night's sleep before taking the test

Thanks again

This is a very good idea to read the essay after you have finished it. Also, I would advise to read it loud, as it would be easier to notice loss of logic.

I am not sure how these two things are assessed on IELTS - use of English part and smooth narration. Maybe, they are somewhat important when you aim at 7-8-9 score.

----
Also, the loss of logic can come when you start a paragraph with some idea, i.e. put the first sentence and then, you understand that there is nothing to add In other words, you don't know what to write about next and thus, you begin to put sentences that are not really connected with each other. Having a clear structure, ideas, and plan in your head can really help here. So, you read the topic, think carefully what kind of structure you will have in essay (number of paragraphs and their sizes), what plan you will have, and most importantly, what you will write about (ideas). Spend at least 3-5 minutes thinking about your future essay before you start scribbling it.

[Balamut5]

а у меня такие хорошие или такие плохие текста что никто даже ничего не сказал?)

счас мы и вас покритикуем
хлебом не корми, дай покритиковать кого-нить

[Balamut5]

Тема
Failure is proof that the desire wasn't strong enough

Brainstorm (3 minutes):
- My point is NO
- Successed Successfully solved problem is the complicated mixture of various factors
- Psychologists say that desire is a half of success
- Physical conditions
- Gagarin blablabla
----------
/Successed solved... - это бред
/mixture of factors - имхо, нужно добавить аджектив типа various, так звучит более естественно
/a half of... - всегда так
----------

Some people say, that failure is proof that the desire wasn't strong enough. Let's discuss this very interesting topic.
-----
/запятая после 'say' и перед 'that' не нужна, это не русский язык
/за счет этого параграфа ты набрал 19 слов!!! при этом просто повторил тему если ты впишешься в 250 слов, то могут посмотреть на это негативно, а если выбьешься за верхний лимит, то тоже негативно на это посмотрят. Может быть связать первый параграф со вторым и сразу же начать писать по теме?
-----

In my opinion, the failure or sucess of some action depends on the complicated array of factors. For example, in my childhood I always wanted to become a cosmonaut (like Yuri Gagarin). I remember I read a children book, that had a portrait of Gagarin on one page, and a sentence "He was a normal child like all of you. Everybody can become a cosmonaut, all you need is a desire. Try your best". NowToday, I am a have grown-up, and I can understand that the desire is really not enough to become a the cosmonaut. At least you need to have special shape of the body (not too tall in order to fit into the a spaceship), good communications skills because he/she they (or cosmonauts) are is somehow a political (public?) figures, not talking about luck, (logic is seriously flawed, 'not talking about' можно прочитать как "неговоря уже о" и это не то что ты хотел сказать как я вижу. После 'figures' лучше поставить точку и написать следующее предложение) because everybody must understand, that for every Gagarin there are (неудачно) 10 other cosmonauts in excellent shape, why are just less lucky. (это непонятно)
------
/At least you need to be of the right constitution in order to fit into a spaceship and have good communication skills as people will see you as a public figure. There is no place for luck here, as everybody must understand that for every 'Gagarin' there are ten other cosmonauts who are in excellent shape but just less lucky. <- возможно ты имел ввиду такую концовку? если да, то она тоже странная, так как если они космонавты (уже), то почему же они less lucky?
/phrase ..a portrait of Gagarin on one page and a sentence.... xxxx <- you really need to put 'on another page' at the end of the sentence OR remove ...on one page... Otherwise, the logic is flawed.
/I was reading the first sentence and... really couldn't find anything to put my teeth into, English was very very good. The second sentence starting with 'Now, I have...' made me feel much better
/phrase ..a portrait of Gagarin on one page and a sentence.... xxxx <- you really need to put 'on another page' at the end of the sentence OR remove ...on one page... Otherwise, the logic is flawed.
/..special shape of body.. - a bit clumsy; shape of body = build, for instance, to be of the right build - иметь правильное (нужное) телосложение.
----------

"Failure is a proof that the desire wasn't strong enough" sounds like a speech statement of the a physiologist, and I think that's exactly what he/she they must be saying and what every man will is be happy to hear. It is always a pleasure to hear, that the desire was not really that strong, so there is nothing really to worry about.
----
> he/she = they; memorize it
> they must say... every man is happy.. - the correct would be: they must be saying... every man is happy...
> you have repeated words from the topic several times here! assessors won't be happy about it. You've got an interesting idea in this paragraph - that people like to hear that the desire wasn't strong enough, but you didn't manage to explain it in greater detail. For instance, you could have said that people set goals and then fail to achieve them and tend to explain the failure with lack of desire; and that psychologists support people in that respect instead of outlining that the desire is the only driven force in your success. BUT, the essay will turn into other direction with that phrase , as your statement is that the desire is not enough to have success in an action.
----

To speak the truth (To tell/say the truth), I think that the correct sentence statement is would be "Desire is a half of success". Without the desire success if hardly possible, and that's the desire that helps us to climb on the life peaeks that seems to be unreachable from the bottom.
---
>to climb on the life peaks that seem to be unreachable from the bottom - it doesn't sound English to me at all. This is an essay, it's not about beauty but about grammar, use of English and ability to put English into writing. So, try to write as simple as possible (не нужно писать для "красного словца"), smth like 'to reach our goals' or
'to reach our goals when everything stands against us'
---

To summarize the following (так не говорят, лучше стандартно - To sum up), I think that the sentence statement is not correct /здесь желательно поставить because и коротко сказать почему/, but the correct part of it is that that without the desire the success is impossible. So, the best way of living your life is to do every little thing with desire, and in case of failure just smile and say to yourself: "Bad luck for today, good luck for tomorrow"
---
>ты пишешь не о предложении, а о высказывании, поэтому не sentence, а statement

Без обид, но мне не очень понравилось то, что ты часто повторяешь слова из задания в той или иной форме, а иногда и просто переписывашь.
Твоя мысль по раскрытию темы не всегда четко прослеживается. Мысль - одного желания не достаточно для достижения цели. Если одного желания не достаточно, то что еще нужно??? Идея была в предложении про Гагарина и космический корабль (телосложение и коммуникативные навыки) и это слобовато. Можно было бы повернуть в сторону того, что кроме желания нужно усердно работать, видеть четкий план достижения цели, каждый день делать маленькие но весомые шаги к достижению и никогда не сдаваться. Чтонибудьвэтомроде.

У меня вопрос. Часто в эссе вижу, что первый абзац повторяет тему эссе и предлагает рассмотреть вопрос далее. Это так рекомендуется в пособиях по IELTS?

[gburanov]

Понятно, действительно все замечания верные, сам вижу, спасибо. Про повторы слов - тоже согласен, в будущем этого буду стараться избегать, просто тема сложная была.

Слов в эссе 327 - так что я с запасом набрал =)

"если да, то она тоже странная, так как если они космонавты (уже), то почему же они less lucky?" - дык потому что не Гагарины они =) видят в запасе, ничего толком не делают

Почему первый абцаз повторяет тему - я и по-русски в школе так начинал писать сочинения - так учат в школах обычно, привычка =)

А по факту - почему бы нет? Плюс к словам и вступление

[Balamut5]

Discuss the problems of unemployment and offer possible solutions.

The unemployment is really one of the major problems in Europe, especially now, during World Crisis.
-----
> World Crisis'а нет, есть global economic crisis, credit crunch и т.п.
> you limit your essay to European cases only, do you? if not (and you don't), then why do you have Europe in this sentence?
-----

What's are the main reasons for of unemployment? Talking about Europe and the USA, the most important reason (in my opinion) is unemployment package, that is very much comparable to aveage/previous salary in the terms of money. There was an article in Russian Newsweek about unemployment situation in Norway, (which is really high, - up to 20% now). The unemployment pay package is (that's paid only if both family members husband and wife are unemployed) and is 1000 euro per person, whereas and the average salary is 2500 euro. /далее логика потеряна/ So, simple math tells us, that if only one person is working, it's only 500 euro more profitable, than both of the family are unemployed.
-----
> it's not necessary to ask such question like 'What are... unemployment?' in the essay. You've got just 250 words, don't waste them.
> don't put such things like 'in my opinion' in this way, rather start the sentence with 'In my opinion', 'I belive', 'In my view'.
> unemployment package... it took me some time to understand what you mean by that. The correct phrase is 'unemployement payment', 'unemployment pay', 'dole'. Unemployment package sounds like lay-off compensation or compensation package (платится при сокращении)
> I would advise against using paranthesis in essays, really
> в целом предложение не плохое, в конце логика потеряна. Те. вывод о том, что людям выгодно сидеть на пособии, нежели искать работу витает в воздухе, но реально не сказан, поэтому потеря логики.
------

Another reason is the lack of professional studies and the lack of human desire to study new professions. 21 century world is changing constantly, and one must understand that studying new things (acquiring new skills) and professing until the very death is normal now (too clumsy; is a vital for your professional success). For example, I am working work as software developer. That's a cutting edge profession, and that which means I must constantly update my knowledge about different aspects of my the profession. Only one year off the wave, and your value as a professional is near close to zero.
------
> professional studies - профессиональные исследования; замени это на re-education options
> human desire to study new professions - не очень по-английски; лучше and the lack of initiative among people to acquire new professional skills
> you cannot say '21 century world is changing constantly' too clumsy, better 'In today's every changing world' или что-то подобное
> profession cannot be 'cutting edge'; it's used about technology
> Only one year off the wave? - I'm not sure you can say that in English
> Please, have a distinction between writing in Russian and in English. When you start writing essays, it is a good approach to use forms, words, phrases, etc. that you HAVE SEEN in original English text. It is especially true about strong collocations, as Russian strong collocations and sayings cannot be directly translated into English, no way. It can be very disturbing at the beginning, you may feel uncomfortable doing that, but this is the most correct way to study English. In your essay, you tend to take Russian sentences and convert words into English with having the same Russian sentence logic. It doesn't work like this.
------

here, you lost the logic. You gave problem 1 (people prefer to stay unemployed as dole is good enough to survive) and problem 2 (prople don't want to obtain new professional skills). Next you come to immigration programs as a means to fight unemployment. Whereas, the task of essay tells you to suggest solutions to deal with problems of unemployment - in your case, two problems that you underlined above. As an example, the possible solution to problem 1 can be the limited time the family can stay on dole (unemployment pay) and different processes to control whether people look for job or not; the possible solution to problem 2 - to oblige unemployed people to go on re-education programs if they want to stay on dole.
BTW, these two solutions are used well in Australia (bastards!
------

Another common way for the countries to fight the unemployment is the immigration programs, especially the sort of programs, when the person creates the new business, which (that means, of course, brings about the new working places) in the country.
-------
> are you sure that the paragraph fits into essay? Is it really a common way and how does it work? Believe me, the assessor won't understand what you actually wanted to say in this paragraph.
-------

To sum upmarize, the countriesy must obey employ/introduce/etc the following rules to fight the unemployment: differentiate the unemployment package, professional studies for unemployment and immigration programs for businessmen. People must understand, that the package is not the free gift from the government, but only the money, enough to live, while searching for the new job. The person must clearly understand that after professional studies his salary will grow to that special level, it really stimulates the person. The immigration programs will just open new working places, which is the easiest way to fight with unemployment.
--------
> if you write in general, then countries. If you write about Norway, then country.
> you can't say ".. countries must obey..." in this particular context
> .. differentiate the unemployment package... - it doesn't tell me anything; could be '...introduce strict regulations to unemployment pay in order to re-inforce the importance of having a job / to motivate people to look for job
> .. professional studies for unemployment.. - it doesn't make sense; could be 'to develop/introduce/force re-education programs aimed at helping people to acquire professional skills which are in need on the market place/current economy'
> the last couple sentences are descriptions of problem 1 and problem 2 /with problem 3/, so it would have made more sense to put them into paragraphs where you discussed the problems.

327 words is a way too much for essay; try to be concise.

[Balamut5]

Понятно, действительно все замечания верные, сам вижу, спасибо. Про повторы слов - тоже согласен, в будущем этого буду стараться избегать, просто тема сложная была.
Слов в эссе 327 - так что я с запасом набрал =)

В принципе можно на любую тему писать, это не так сложно. Главное научиться строить четкий план написания эссе, т.е. понять сразу о чем писать в каждом абзаце, а потом просто накидать слова. Таким образом, правильная логика закладывается на самом начале, а не в процессе написания, где ее легко потерять.

"если да, то она тоже странная, так как если они космонавты (уже), то почему же они less lucky?" - дык потому что не Гагарины они =) видят в запасе, ничего толком не делают

Ну тогда нужно объяснить это в письменной форме, чтобы у читателя (и проверятеля) было одно и то же понимание, что у автора. Это у меня на работе были такие случаи, сотрудник пишет письмо, которое никто не может понять. Мы с ним потом разговариваем и я прошу объяснить, что в этом письме написано (сотрудник русский писал по английски). Мне объясняют 15 минут, я смотрю на него и говорю, вот теперь понятно, а почему ты в тексте это не указал?? Т.е. мы иногда выражаем мысль в письменной форме, оставляя львиную долю мысли в своей голове. Нам понятно, читателям - нет. А при оценке эссе - это минусы, так как проверяющий не видит логику.

Почему первый абцаз повторяет тему - я и по-русски в школе так начинал писать сочинения - так учат в школах обычно, привычка =)
А по факту - почему бы нет? Плюс к словам и вступление

Я не знаю, я сам задумался на эту тему. В целом первые абзацы всегда одинаковы, типа - Итак, нам задали вопрос почему то-то и вот так-то и так-то. Давайте посмотрим на это в эссе. И потом второй абзац... а смысл первого??? где.
Может быть так нужно, я не знаю

[Balamut5]

By the way, could you please tell me how should I write his/her, himself/herself in an essay if I am talking about some virtual person which could be he or she?

They, their.
When a child comes to a new place, their feelings can be hurt by the dirt on the streets, abandoned cats and lots of snakes in the bedroom... типатакого

[Balamut5]

TOPIC: When students move to a new school, they sometimes face problems. How can schools help these students with their problems? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

While it is commonly agreed that the childhood is the best time in a life, sometimes it could turn out to be a nightmare if a your family relocates has relocated and a child has you have to change a school. Is that a new and unfamiliar environment or new and hostile classmates that make a newcomer feel uncomfortable? This essay will take a closer look at some possible steps that the school administration could take to assist new students with obstacles challenges they might face.
----
> I believe you don't use peronal pronouns here. I've changed the text to reflect it.
> obstacle is not a challenge
> Sentence 'Is that a new and unfamiliar environment.......' doesn't sound. Yes, you have a good connection between this phrase and two problems that you are about to discuss (that's a plus) but the construction of the sentence is a bit lousy. My go - Some children suffer from the loss of their friends and the need to get accustomed tothe new environment, others, who are more shy, face challenges entering the existing peer group in the class. This essay will take a closer look at possible steps that the school administration can take to assist new students in the school.
----

The first challenge every new student has to deal with is a new environment, such as new city, new people and, in some cases, new mentality. One possible way to assist the newcomer them could be the provision of a help from a classmate that who is will be willing to lead the newcomer in all his/her their actions for the first period of time at the beginning. If such measures were taken in every school, many new students would feel themselves “at home” straight away.
----
> I guess, if you say '.. new environment..', then you don't need to put 'new city, new people...', so you can omit the word 'new'; it's logical
> some words were redundant, like '..were taken in every school..'
> A good sentence, really, a good one. You outlined a problem, then suggested the solution, and gave the conclusion. Good approach. Now , you may look at the topic, which speaks about schools and their help. So, in this particular sentence, you might have made a connection between the action (a classmate helps a newcomer) and school administration that enforces or regulates this action. You can do it by saying, 'One possible way to assist them would be a school practice to assign a classmate who is willing to help the new student in their first steps at the beginning'. This sentence is neatly connected with the topic itself.
-----

Another problem that could emerge in a class which the new pupil has entered, is a hostile attitude from those who consider themselves “old members”. In this case, it would be a good idea if teachers were able to investigate specific reasons that led to a conflict and offer ask the classmates to “take a look from another angle”. For example, ask a newcomer to tell the class a funny or interesting story about him- or herself themselves, with a positive focus on the issues that caused a conflict. Thus, it will help the classmates to discover (жуть) their new member classmate/class memeber from a different perspective and solve the problem.
-----
> The first sentence is a bit clumsy. For exmaple, .. in a class which the new pupil has entered.. - too many words which are not needed here. You have already stated the problem and environment, so you don't need to repeat that it is actually a new student and it's actually a school. Это как: Я пришел в магазин. В магазине, в который я пришел, я купил хлеб. Хлеб из магазина, в который я пришел, был вкусный. Т.е. вроде бы слова не виноваты, но читается странно.
Now, we remember about 'another problem' and 'shy' from the first paragraph, so why don't we use it here --> Another problem that happens to newcomers are teasing, bossy attitude, and bullying, which are hard to deal with especially for the shy children.
> Next two sentences are good - 'teachers to investigate' and solution 'newcomer to introduce themselves'. But they are not cohesive. Смотри, ты пишешь: В данном случае, было бы неплохо, если учителя смогли бы определить реальные причины повлекшие конфликт и предложиь студентам посмотреть на ситуацию с другой стороны. Например, попросить новичка рассказать классу интересную историю о нем или ней, с позитивным фокусом на проблеме, которая вызвала конфликт. - очень мудренно написано и не очень удачно связано между собой. Я могу тут только предложить внести новую идею, например, новичок и старички устраивают посиделки, где они представляют себя и рассказывают о себе, т.е. главная цель - наладить контакт, но это моя идея. В твоем варианте можно так: In this case, teachers have to seriously investigate the root causes of the conflict and look for appropriate solution for the benefit of all. As an exmaple, the new student can deliver an icebreaker (open speech) to the class, which is prepared together with the teacher and describes a particular situation or a lifestory of the person. It is viewed as a good practice and gives the grounds to development of friendly relationships in the class.
---> получилось коряво но все что смог вытащить из твоего варианта.
-----

All in all, it is clear that any freshman might have several problems in a new school. However, all problems could be resolved if the teachers and the classmates alike were to help and make the newcomer feel him- or herself themselves welcomed at home.
---------------

Thank you very much!

ну как шмогла

[Balamut5]

TOPIC: Discuss the problems of unemployment and offer possible solutions.

/ну мы понимаем, что я люблю придраться

Essay:

Today, due to the negative influence of the world wide crisis global economic crisis, the unemployment turned out to be not only a term from a book on economics, but also a severe reality. Many people have lost their jobs and, as a consequence, standards of living are going down, while crime rates and social tension levels are on the rise. This essay will take a closer look at the problems of unemployment and focus on some possible ways to combat the situation them.
----
> couple of suggestions: severe reality -> harsh reality, it gives more colour to the speech. Also, ‘a term from a book on economics’, you may try to paraphrase it to me simple and change the word ‘term’ to ‘notion’. The word ‘term’ is not commonly used in the meaning of ‘термин’, whereas ‘notion’ clearly means ‘понятие’.
> if you struggle with having too many words in essay, you may try to be a bit more concise, for example, ‘… due to the negative influence of global economic crisis…’ can be put simpler as ‘due to global economic crisis’, as you explain later on the negative effects of it, besides it’s commonly agreed that global economic crisis is not a good thing for average citizens.
> in the last sentence ‘… take a closer look at the problems…’, so it’s more appropriate to finish with ‘… to combat them’; thus, you suggest dealing with problems.
----

To start with, it is clear that the unemployment is followed by a list number of negative challenges that our society has to face. Needless to say that the loss of a stable income source should be is a very stressful thing situation for everyone anyone, and when the number of jobless people reaches a certain point, social tension increases. If no serious measures were taken at this point, this would result in various acts of social disorder, like aggressive demonstrations and riots, which would be a perfect situation for the a spread of crime spread. Thus, it is clear that the government will have to face with a lot of different problems, caused by unemployment.
----
> ‘a list of negative challenges..’ is not appropriate here, as you will need to enumerate the list you talk about later and you don’t do that.
> in ‘..the loss of stable income source..’, the word ‘source’ is redundant
> ‘..loss of income should be a stressful..’, actually it is stressful, so ‘.. loss of income is stressful for people/families’
> ‘.. and when the number of jobless…’ -> ‘..and with the growing number of jobless people the social tension increases’
> I’ve been pondering over the second condition that you tried to use. It really doesn’t go well with ‘..at this point’ and ‘..no serious measures..’. My try is as follows: If serious measures were taken now, the social disorder acts like angry demonstrations and possible riots would be avoided. – Если мы бы предприняли…, то смогли бы избежать….
----

However, the situation could be improved, if serious attempts were made to alleviate the negative factors. For instance, one way to deal with the problem of social tension would be to subsidize a range of most important industries or create other incentives to revive business activity. Furthermore, it would be a good idea if government invested into construction on of new educational centers, so that the jobless people could improve or change their qualifications. As a result, all these measures would help to deal with the problems of unemployment.
----
> However и еще один кондишнл – неудачно, учитывая предыдущий параграф, где ты уже указал на возможные результаты безработицы – социальные волнения + криминал. Здесь можно просто перейти к указанию решений. ‘There are a number of solutions that can be taken in order to deal with negative effects of unemployment’
> You speak about re-education process, so unemployed can acquire new skills valid in the current economic situation. It’s good. Still, I can’t agree on the way you put it into writing with ‘..government invested into construction of new educational centres..’. It would be better, if you wrote about creation of new re-education programs or intensifying the efforts to investigate what skills are valid in the current market place and push unemployed to get those skills. In addition, you might have considered looking into the future – what skills the country will need in the future, etc.
----


To sum up, it is clear that unemployment is a big challenge to the society, however there are several measures that could be taken to improve the situation. If government and individuals alike were to help, it would make the period of world wide crisis a time to look forward, rather than dread.

I got it! It was an essay on second conditional!
I would still argue that the simpler and concise you write, the more appealing your work is.