My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Джахангир]

Думаю, что нужно писать, писать, писать и еще раз писать.
Попробуй создать сначал схему (структурную логику) о чем будешь писать

Данный подход позволит тебе понять отвечаешь ли ты на поставленный вопрос, привнести логику в написание сочинения с самого начала.

Огромнейшее спасибо, учту.

[Джахангир]

what it means?

Не могу идею темы уловить, помогите пожалуйста.

"Failure is proof that the desire wasn't strong enough"

To what extend do you agree with this statement? give your reasons


О чём здесь нужно писать?

[Balamut5]

Не могу идею темы уловить, помогите пожалуйста.
"Failure is proof that the desire wasn't strong enough"
To what extend do you agree with this statement? give your reasons
О чём здесь нужно писать?

Ой, какие забавные темы стали появляться Ты смотрел фильм "Секрет" или знаешь что-нить о законе притяжения (law of attraction)? вот о нем можно писать

Вопрос: Пройгрыш - это доказательство того, что изначальное желание выйграть не было достаточно сильным.

Вот, например, можно писать об этом.
Введение: в спорте всегда побеждает тот, кто готов лучше всего как с моральной, так и с физической точек зрения. Если человек действительно стремится победить на соревнованиях, то он включается в работу на все сто процентов за несколько месяцев, а то и лет до соревнования. Он не пропускает ни одной тренеровки, постоянно совершенствуя свое мастерство и постепенно приближаясь к своей лучшей форме. Эти усилия всегда увенчаются успехом.
Далее следуют примеры как кто-нить готовился и достигал результата. Как у них тырили ботинки или трусы, а они гады все равно приходили и занимались. Как он они усиленно др.. ой, медитировали, на тему победы и всегда знали что они победят. И как их стремление таки привело их к победе.
Заключение, как видно из примера(ов) я уверен что если сильно хочется, то всегда все получится.

Или например, можно написать о том, что ты ходишь в группу по английскому языку и там 10 человек, объединенных идей сдать IELTS на все 9ки. Вот только у одной то нога болит, то живот прихватило. Кто-то постоянно не учит уроки. А кто-то вообще свалил на пол-пути. Действительно ли они желали получить свои 9ки? или же их сила желания не была достаточной и в результате привела их к краху "надежд", которых собственно не было? А вот Иван Сидоров всегда все учил и всегда говорил что сдаст на отлично и верил в свою "победу". И в день экзамена он конечно же проспа.. ой, не проспал, пришел вовремя и всех поразил своими знаниями. Это потому что он верил с самого начала в то, что он крутой перец и все получится.

Вот в таком стиле можно писать

[Джахангир]

Ой, какие забавные темы стали появляться Ты смотрел фильм "Секрет" или знаешь что-нить о законе притяжения (law of attraction)? вот о нем можно писать

Вопрос: Пройгрыш - это доказательство того, что изначальное желание выйграть не было достаточно сильным.


Вот в таком стиле можно писать

Понял =) это с IELTS PLUS

[Lavrentiy]

Уважаемые форумчане,

Прошу вашего справедливого товарищеского суда над еще одним результатом потока сознания, излитого на бумагу. Я постарался учесть все ваши ценные замечания, большое спасибо Павлу и его нэйтив спикеру(спикерше ). 327 слов - это тихий ужас, мне надо научиться писать меньше

Буду очень благодарен за ваше время и ваши комментарии.

TOPIC: Discuss the problems of unemployment and offer possible solutions.
.

Essay:
Today, due to the negative influence of the (1) world wide crisis, unemployment turned out to be not only a term from a book on economics, but also a severe reality. Many people have lost their jobs and, as a consequence, standards of living are going down, while crime rates and social tension levels are on the rise. This essay will take a closer look at the problems of unemployment and focus on some possible ways to combat the situation.

To start with, it is clear that unemployment is followed by a list of negative challenges that our society has to face. Needless to say that loss of a stable income (2) source should be a very stressful situation for anyone, and when the number of jobless people reaches a certain point, social tension increase. If no serious measures (3) were taken at this point, this would result in various acts of social disorder, like aggressive demonstrations and riots, which would be a perfect situation for (4) a crime spread. Thus, it is clear that the government (5) will have to face (6) with a lot of different problems, caused by unemployment.

However, the situation could be improved, if serious attempts (7) were made to alleviate the negative factors. For instance, one way to deal with the problem of social tension would be to subsidize a range of most important industries or create other incentives to revive business activity. Furthermore, it would be a good idea if ( government invested into construction (9) on new educational (10) centers, so that the jobless people could improve or (11) change their qualifications. As a result, all these measures would help to deal with the problems of unemployment.

To sum up, it is clear that unemployment is a big challenge to (12) the society, however there are several measures that could be taken to improve the situation. If (13) government and individuals alike were to help, it would make (14) the period of world wide crisis a time (15) to look forward, rather than dread.

(1) world-wide ??
(2) source – lishnee? ili “stable source of income” luchshe? Ja by ostavil “loss of income” ili “loss of earnings” esli 327 slov tihij uzhas.
(3) kazhetsja, sdes’ nuzhno “are taken” I sootvetstvenno “will/can” v posledujushem clause, t.k. v prediduschem predlozhenii est’ “when” clause, kotoryj vsegda v nastojashem vremeni. Hotja I tak sojdet!
(4) a crime spread – tak ne govorjat. “the spread of crime”? “a crime wave”?
(5) has to face? – luchshe?
(6) with – ne nado
(7) were TO BE made (?)
( THE government
(9) of
(10) centres
(11) gain new skills – mozhno I tak.
(12) the – ne nado, t.k. society = “people in general”.
(13) THE – nado, t.k., eto vsem izvestnye ljudi kotorye pravjat stranoj (dazhe gipoteticheskoj stranoj) “and individuals alike…”
(14) ne uveren na schet “the” zdes’. Otkuda eta strannaja fraza “period of world-wide crisis”? Gde vy ee vzjali? Eto navernoe kal’ka russkogo “krizis”? Tak po-anglijski ne govorjat pro nyneshnij krizis. Govorjat “downturn”, “period of recession”, “credit crunch,” ili prosto “recession”.
(15) to look forward TO, rather than...

Pozdravljaju, ochen’ horoshij English. Soderzhanie tozhe ne ploho, hotja ne berus’ sudit’. Best wishes!!

[Lesha]

Lavrentiy, thanks a lot for your valuable comments, I really appreciate that.
Could I kindly ask you to clear several points you mentioned, cause this will help me to put things into practice.

Once again, Thank you very much

(1) world-wide ?? ->Yeah, and even better would be to write together as "worldwide"
(3) kazhetsja, sdes’ nuzhno “are taken” I sootvetstvenno “will/can” v posledujushem clause, t.k. v prediduschem predlozhenii est’ “when” clause, kotoryj vsegda v nastojashem vremeni.
->This was an attempt of using second conditional. Something that won't happen in the nearest future or won't happen at all. In fact, it didn't happen
Have I managed to do this correct? I guess not, cause if I've managed to do this, you wouldn't make a comment, right? What would you advice to put here to make a second conditional clause?
(4) a crime spread – tak ne govorjat. “the spread of crime”? “a crime wave”?
->In fact, I've found several links on Google that lead to newspapers' headlines using a word "crime spread". Well, I don't think that this is a good choice in this essay, either. However, "crime wave" is not a good option in this context, also, would you agree? So, what you think, what could be used here?
(5) has to face? – luchshe? ->mmm... Not sure... ?
(10) centres ->Americanisms not OK?
(13) THE – nado, t.k., eto vsem izvestnye ljudi kotorye pravjat stranoj (dazhe gipoteticheskoj stranoj) ->Forgot
(14) ne uveren na schet “the” zdes’. Otkuda eta strannaja fraza “period of world-wide crisis”? Gde vy ee vzjali? Eto navernoe kal’ka russkogo “krizis”? Tak po-anglijski ne govorjat pro nyneshnij krizis. Govorjat “downturn”, “period of recession”, “credit crunch,” ili prosto “recession”. ->Thanks a lot! That a great set of words for me to remember. However, worldwide crisis - Поиск в Google
Anyway, what do you think about using "a global downturn" or "a global credit crunch" in an IELTS essay?

[Balamut5]

One more essay
Topic: mass-media and its influence on our conscious, bla, bla, bla.

There is no doubt that TV, radio and print media are increasingly becoming the main instrument shaping to shape people’s ideas worldwide. People switch take/turn to on the TV or radio to find out the latest news, to see what is happening around the world or just to be entertained. Thus, I do believe that mass-media as a far-reaching machine have a great influence on the decisions people make everyday (be it what they think, what they buy or even the music they listen to).
------
> ..the instrument to shape... - you can't put shaping here
>People switch... - not in this context. You might put smth. like: People listen to radio but switch to TV to....
> ... see what is happening.. - would be better to use: what is going on in the world.. There is a rule that regulates the use of the verb 'to happen' in -ing form, same as verb 'to feel'
> I do believe.. - hmm, do you really want to use the form 'I do believe'? This is too much really and not necessary here. Should you have the case when you put a couple of negative sentences and, then contradict saying 'But I do believe that', this option would be okay, but not in this context. In this particular case, you can say 'So, I believe..'.
> also, the word 'Thus' in the sentence is not really correct, I guess. Though, it's up to you.
> The last sentence is abundant with controversial things like paranthesis, ...far-reaching machine.. etc. I don't know how assessors look at them. If you're not sure also, then don't use them.
------

Firstly, mass-media has a have tremendous audience. Over 6 billion people turning on their TV sets ’s or radios to find out about their countryies politics (political activity) political life, financial situation on markets (are markets going up or down and how it reflects on peoples incomes), unemployment situation/rate, as well as current international/internal affairs. Also, nowadays mass - media is abundant in shows about fashion and music fashion and music shows, thus dictating what people listen to and what they wear.(would it be better to say: which undoubtedly affect the choices people make in everyday life)
----
> 70% of world pupulation don't have TV sets, let alone stable connection to electricity.
> Also, nowadays - choose one word or move nowadays somewhere behind. Also, mass media are abundant....... nowadays.
> You miss a conculsion of this paragraph. A statement that will sum up what has been written there.
----

However, let us not forget about the less positive aspects of mass -media, such as the ever-present advertising of junk - food and different various criminal shows. For example, children are especially sensitive to fast-food advertising and choose mainly what they see on TV. /потеря логики/ Therefore, even if it is a less healthy option that is what they will choose when they go out next time./несогласовано/ As for the criminal shows, increasingly more people fear that there is too much violence and aggressiveness to which viewers of all ages are exposed.
----
немного несогласованые предложения, не видно естественного хода дискуссии. Например, ...less positive aspects of mass media.. и .. junk food advertising and criminal shows.. не очень согласуются. Трудно назвать рекламу junk food негативным аспектом телевидения.
----


Undeniably mass-media does influence the decisions and choices people make. However, when all is said and done, it is up to us to either keep on watching or to switch off the TV set and decide whether we want to accept what is broadcast as a given fact or whether we want to analyze it and come to our own conclusions.
----
опять же есть несогласования в тексте. Это наше решение продолжать смотреть телевизор или выключить его и решить будем ли мы принимать все что показывается там на веру или мы будем анализировать сказанное и делать собственные выводы.
Несогласование между - выключить или смотреть - и - принимать на веру и анализировать. Эти вещи вместе не идут. ИМХО.

[Lavrentiy]

Lavrentiy, thanks a lot for your valuable comments, I really appreciate that.
Could I kindly ask you to clear several points you mentioned, cause this will help me to put things into practice.

Once again, Thank you very much

(3) kazhetsja, sdes’ nuzhno “are taken” I sootvetstvenno “will/can” v posledujushem clause, t.k. v prediduschem predlozhenii est’ “when” clause, kotoryj vsegda v nastojashem vremeni.
->This was an attempt of using second conditional. Something that won't happen in the nearest future or won't happen at all. In fact, it didn't happen
Have I managed to do this correct? I guess not, cause if I've managed to do this, you wouldn't make a comment, right? What would you advice to put here to make a second conditional clause?
(4) a crime spread – tak ne govorjat. “the spread of crime”? “a crime wave”?
->In fact, I've found several links on Google that lead to newspapers' headlines using a word "crime spread". Well, I don't think that this is a good choice in this essay, either. However, "crime wave" is not a good option in this context, also, would you agree? So, what you think, what could be used here?
(5) has to face? – luchshe? ->mmm... Not sure... ?
(10) centres ->Americanisms not OK?
(13) THE – nado, t.k., eto vsem izvestnye ljudi kotorye pravjat stranoj (dazhe gipoteticheskoj stranoj) ->Forgot
(14) ne uveren na schet “the” zdes’. Otkuda eta strannaja fraza “period of world-wide crisis”? Gde vy ee vzjali? Eto navernoe kal’ka russkogo “krizis”? Tak po-anglijski ne govorjat pro nyneshnij krizis. Govorjat “downturn”, “period of recession”, “credit crunch,” ili prosto “recession”. ->Thanks a lot! That a great set of words for me to remember. However, worldwide crisis - Поиск в Google
Anyway, what do you think about using "a global downturn" or "a global credit crunch" in an IELTS essay?

Well, all my comments are just an opinion – strictly non-professional, of course, since I have no formal qualifications in English. I am what they call an “autodidact”; plus fifteen years living abroad must have helped, too. So, do take what I say with a pinch of salt.

Hyphenated spelling like “world-wide” or “no-one” is British and, by implication, Australian. As this is an Aussie-themed site – last time I checked – I assumed the British spelling would be all the rage, unless you are required to stick to the US one. Hence, “centres” also. Ultimately, it is up to you which spelling to use so long as you're consistent.

(3) The second conditional doesn’t sound right here although it may well be grammatically correct. Grates on the ear a bit. It is a choice between trying to sound natural and trying to show off your knowledge of the second conditional: whichever scores you more points – again, it is your decision.

(4) Have not googled “crime spread” but still think that “crime wave” would be more natural in the context. “Crime spread” sounds like a journalist cliché – to me anyway.

(14) I’m not denying that someone somewhere – most likely stateside – says “worldwide crisis”. Here, in the UK they say “an economic downturn”, “credit crunch” or “recession” mostly. In any case, it is a very minor point.

As I pointed out before, your English is excellent and you’re ready to sit your exam. All my comments are fairly minor – придираюсь просто - just picking on you, really. )))

Good luck!

[Balamut5]

Here in Australia, sometimes you can hear global economic crisis.

Newspaper titles (like, criminal spread) are not written based on English rules. They are done to catch the eyes of readers. For instance, A controversial movie caused a wave of crime on the local market, can be something like: Crime spreads over movie

[Lavrentiy]

Here in Australia, sometimes you can hear global economic crisis.

Newspaper titles (like, criminal spread) are not written based on English rules. They are done to catch the eyes of readers. For instance, A controversial movie caused a wave of crime on the local market, can be something like: Crime spreads over movie

You are quite right; headlines have a grammar (and a mind) of their own. Almost no articles and lots of nouns used as adjectives: “Woman Caged for Vile Kid Porn Haul” (from today’s Sun. The Sun | The Best for News, Sport, Showbiz, Celebrities & TV | The Sun| The Sun). But it is not considered wrong or ungrammatical in a headline. Those newspaper hacks can get away with murder!

[Lesha]

Lavrentiy, thank you very much for this detailed reply, I really appreciate and value every word of it. Please forgive my persistence, the only reason for that is a necessity to choose words and phrases accurately for the exam.
Thanks a lot for your patience and will to help, I will look forward to obtaining more of your valuable comments.

Павел, спасибо за дополнение. Буду очень признателен, если у тебя найдется пара минут прокомментировать мое следующее эссе.

[Lavrentiy]

Lavrentiy, thank you very much for this detailed reply, I really appreciate and value every word of it. Please forgive my persistence, the only reason for that is a necessity to choose words and phrases accurately for the exam.
Thanks a lot for your patience and will to help, I will look forward to obtaining more of your valuable comments.

Павел, спасибо за дополнение. Буду очень признателен, если у тебя найдется пара минут прокомментировать мое следующее эссе.

Any time, no fee... )))

[Lesha]

Dear friends,
This is another my attempt to write an outstanding essay This time I concentrated on time limits and targeted to write no more than 280 words. Result: 35 minutes and 301 word
I will deeply appreciate if you could give me your advice not only on mistakes you have noticed, but also on the weakness areas that you have spotted.

By the way, could you please tell me how should I write his/her, himself/herself in an essay if I am talking about some virtual person which could be he or she?

TOPIC: When students move to a new school, they sometimes face problems. How can schools help these students with their problems? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

----------------
Analyzed the task, I have chosen to write a suggestion essay.
---------------

Essay.
While it is commonly agreed that childhood is the best time in a life, sometimes it could turn out to be a nightmare if your family has relocated and you have to change a school. Is that a new and unfamiliar environment or new and hostile classmates that make a newcomer feel uncomfortable? This essay will take a closer look at some possible steps that school administration could take to assist new students with obstacles they might face.

The first challenge every new student has to deal with is a new environment, such as new city, new people and, in some cases, new mentality. One possible way to assist the newcomer could be a help from a classmate that will be willing to lead the newcomer in all his/her actions for the first period of time. If such measures were taken in every school, many new students would feel themselves “at home”.

Another problem that could emerge in a class which the new pupil has entered, is a hostile attitude from those who consider themselves “old members”. In this case, it would be a good idea if teachers were able to investigate specific reasons that led to a conflict and offer the classmates to “take a look from another angle”. For example, ask a newcomer to tell the class a funny ort interesting story about him- or herself, with a positive focus on the issues that caused a conflict. Thus, it will help the classmates to discover their new member from a different perspective and solve the problem.

All in all, it is clear that any freshman might have several problems in a new school. However, all problems could be resolved if the teachers and the classmates alike were to help and make the newcomer feel him- or herself at home.
---------------

Thank you very much!

[gburanov]

Всем привет. Второй опыт написания эссэ. Вчера выбрал две темы на форуме - последние которые увидел, честно =)

Первая - довольно сложная на мой взгляд. Потратил 30 минут - но писал сразу на компьютер и правил в редакторе - наверное так некорректно.

Тема
Failure is proof that the desire wasn't strong enough

Brainstorm (3 minutes):
- My point is NO
- Successed solved problem is the complicated mixture of factors
- Psychologists say that desire is half of success
- Physical conditions
- Gagarin blablabla


Some people say, that failure is proof that the desire wasn't strong enough. Let's discuss this very interesting topic.

In my opinion, the failure or sucess of some action depends on the complicated array of factors. For example, in my childhood I always wanted to become a cosmonaut (like Yuri Gagarin). I remember I read a children book, that had a portrait of Gagarin on one page, and sentence "He was a normal child like all of you. Everybody can become cosmonaut, all you need is desire. Try your best". Now I have grown up, and I can understand that desire is really not enough to become a cosmonaut. At least you need to have special shape of the body (not tall to fit in the spaceship), good communications skill because he/she is somehow a political figure, not talking about luck, because everybody must understand, that for every Gagarin there are 10 other cosmonauts in excellent shape, why are just less lucky.

"Failure is proof that the desire wasn't strong enough" sound like a speech of the physiologist, and I think that's exactly what he/she must say and what every man will be happy to hear. It is always pleasure to hear, that desire was not really that strong, so nothing really to worry about.

To speak the truth, I think that the correct sentence is "Desire is half of success". Without desire success if hardly possible, and that's the desire that help us to climb on the life peeks that seems to be unreachable from the bottom.

To summarize the following, I think that the sentence is not correct, but the correct part of it is that without the desire the success is impossible. So, the best way of living your life is to do every little thing with desire, and in case of failure just smile and say to yourself: "Bad luck for today, good luck for tomorrow"

[gburanov]

Вторая тема более простая

Discuss the problems of unemployment and offer possible solutions.

Brainstorm (3 minutes)
- Big unemployment package
- Support immigration

The unemployment is really one of the major problems in Europe, especially now, during World Crisis.

What's the main reasons for unemployment? Talking about Europe and USA, the most important reason (in my opinion) is unemployment package, comparable to salary in the terms of money. There was an article in Russian Newsweek about unemployment in Norway (which is really high, up to 20% now). The unemployment package (that's paid only if both husband and wife are unemployed) is 1000 euro per person, and the average salary is 2500 euro. So, simple math tells us, that if only one person is working, it's only 500 euro more profitable, than both of the family are unemployed.

Another reason is the lack of professional studies and the lack of human desire to study new professions. 21 century world is changing constantly, and one must understand that studying new things and professing until the very death is normal now. For example, I am working as software developer. That's a cutting edge profession, and that means I must constantly update my knowledge about different aspects of my profession. Only one year off the wave, and your value as professional is near zero.

Another common way for the countries to fight the unemployment is the immigration programs, especially the sort of programs, when the person creates the new business (that means, of course, the new working places) in the country.

To summarize, the country must obey the following rules to fight the unemployment: differentiate the unemployment package, professional studies for unemployment and immigration programs for businessmen. People must understand, that the package is not the free gift from the government, but only the money, enough to live, while searching for the new job. The person must clearly understand that after professional studies his salary will grow to that special level, it really stimulates the person. The immigration programs will just open new working places, which is the easiest way to fight with unemployment.