My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[VOlya]

пожалуйста, посмотрите мое эссе пока не затерялось http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/45491...ml#post1072095

[KalinkaMalinka]

Hey VOlya! Do you want me to go through your grammar mistakes or to just critique the structure?
In brief I reckon it’s quite a strong essay. Really good structure and some minor grammar imperfections. But I like it though. What grade are you after?

[VOlya]

Hey VOlya! Do you want me to go through your grammar mistakes or to just critique the structure?
In brief I reckon it’s quite a strong essay. Really good structure and some minor grammar imperfections. But I like it though. What grade are you after?

thank you for your attention.

I need 6.

[Koten'ka]

for getting a work with a high salary - to get a high-paid job
to stay at a beatiful five-star hotel
по поводу медицинской помощи:
medicine practitioners of high qualification
или
top quality medical services
luxury car
Некоторые предложения по структуре совсем руинглиш напоминают, но исправлять не буду, т.к. не знаю критериев, если честно. Вполне вероятно, что "6" будет.

[KalinkaMalinka]

Вполне вероятно, что "6" будет

Думаю, шестрка однозначно будет.
Но это при условии, что атор писал
текст на время и без компа (от руки).

[VOlya]

for getting a work with a high salary - to get a high-paid job
to stay at a beatiful five-star hotel
по поводу медицинской помощи:
medicine practitioners of high qualification
или
top quality medical services
luxury car
Некоторые предложения по структуре совсем руинглиш напоминают, но исправлять не буду, т.к. не знаю критериев, если честно. Вполне вероятно, что "6" будет.

спасибо. я поняла!
учитывая что полгода назад здесь за мои "творения" давали 4.5 , это отлично!
но работать, работать и работать!

[VOlya]

Думаю, шестрка однозначно будет.
Но это при условии, что атор писал
текст на время и без компа (от руки).

да от руки, без компа и с граматикой лучше стало, раньше вообще кошмар было ( нашла свое эссе на 8 странице http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/45491...tml#post911418)

[Koten'ka]

спасибо. я поняла!
учитывая что полгода назад здесь за мои "творения" давали 4.5 , это отлично!
но работать, работать и работать!

Не за что. Я, кстати, описалась: beautiful. В этом плане лучше уж от руки писать, на компьютере описаться легче.
Я Вам советую читать сейчас какую-нибудь периодику на английском, можно и в сети найти, например, про те же отели сейчас в любой газете можно встретить объявления, и любые звезды, то же самое и с мед.услугами.

[Photomax]

Будьте добры гляньте вот такое, простое письмо.

You have broken your leg and have to stay in hospital. You received many cards and letters from your classmates.
Write a letter to tell them your detail of your situation and thank them at the same time.

Dear friends .
First of all I want to say thank you for your letters and cards it was very pleasure take it from you. I’m very apology for my absence at our meeting.

Ok let’s I explain how I have found oneself ath the hospital. This situation happened very unexpectedly.Two days ago I hurry on to our meeting place and didn’t see how step in to open sewer manhole. At the next moment I was feeling the strong hurt in my leg. I asked people to call at emergency and emergency was come very soon.
The hospital where I have treatment is very good I receive high level of medicine service. Al personal is very friendly with me. Additionally doctors say my a good forecast. They say after two weeks if everything will be ok I can go home. Because if you want see me you can come meet with me at the hospital I will be there about ten days.
My friends I’m really appreciate your attention and I hope we will see each other very soon. Thank you again for you letters.

Miss you,
John Apdike.

[Stas109]

Добрый день. Мне очень нужно чтобы ктото покритиковал мое эссе. Заранее благодарю.

Some people prefer to spend their time outdoors. Other people prefer to spend their leisure time indoors. Would you prefer to be outside or would you prefer be inside for your leisure activities? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Interesting fact that person who likes to spend free time outdoor live longer on 5-7 years . Majority of people like to relax after hard working day and choose that place which fully coincide for there needs. I would prefer to spend my leisure time outdoors rather than indoors. There are many reasons which can prove my solution, but the most fundamental are: outdoor games, communication with friends, keep health in good mood.

The first reason is outdoor active games. During leisure time I can play football, basketball and many others active games with my good friends or even unknown people. In ancient time Greece's managers and employees carried for their workers and tried to organize their free time. Their discovered a lot of active games which after some period of time were used in Olympic games.

The second reason is communication with friends. I'm an extravert and I like to make a conversation with my old friends. Due to outdoor spending time I have an excellent chance to talk with friends about new movies, concerts and other events. A lot of madams in middle centuries used walks for debates and change essential information. They talked about their husbands, politic information, king's inside events and many-many others.

The last one is a keep health in good mood. Nowadays we have very pollute environment and I try to carry for my health. For this reason, I am jogging behind and after working day. This activity help my to keep my body in perfect mood and I feel myself well and stronger. Almost all famous international runner started their career from simple jogging around the park.

In short, every person tries to find that type of relaxing where he/she can consequently rest after working day. I'm an active person and can't just sit on a coach and watch TV. That is why, I like to spent my day off or free time outside and aggregate of several reasons, such as: outdoor games, communication with friends, keep health in good mood can explain my point of view.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Добрый день. Мне очень нужно чтобы ктото покритиковал мое эссе. Заранее благодарю.

Даже не вдаваясь в ошибки (А Ваш текст - чистый перевод с русского), эссе очень запутанное и непонятно о чем.
Примеры:

Some people prefer to spend their time outdoors. Other people prefer to spend their leisure time indoors. Would you prefer to be outside or would you prefer be inside for your leisure activities? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

1. Interesting fact that person who likes to spend free time outdoor live longer on 5-7 years ..

Какое отношение первое предложение имеет к теме эссе? Ответ: никакого.

2.There are many reasons which can prove my solution

А какую проблемы Вы решаете? В теме эссе нет упоминания о проблеме.

Первое что Вы должны сделать, это научиться понимать задание и отвечать на заданный вопрос.
g'luck

[KalinkaMalinka]

You have broken your leg and have to stay in hospital. You received many cards and letters from your classmates.
Write a letter to tell them your detail of your situation and thank them at the same time.

Dear friends .
First of all I want to say thank you for your letters and cards it was very pleasure take it from you. I’m very apology for my absence at our meeting.

Ok (1) let’s I (2) explain how I have found oneself (3,4) ath the (5) hospital. This situation happened very unexpectedly.Two days ago I hurry on to our meeting place and didn’t see how step in to open sewer manhole. At the next moment I was feeling the strong hurt in my leg. I asked people to call at emergency and emergency was come very soon.
The hospital where I have treatment is very good I receive high level of medicine service. Al personal is very friendly with me. Additionally doctors say my a good forecast. They say after two weeks if everything will be ok I can go home. Because if you want see me you can come meet with me at the hospital I will be there about ten days.
My friends I’m really appreciate your attention and I hope we will see each other very soon. Thank you again for you letters.

Структуру критиковать не буду, потому что я сдавала академик, и не знаю, как писать письма. Но самые угрожающие грамматические ошибки попробую указать.

Анализирую только первую строчку!
1. Что за "Ок" еще такой? Так можно сказать на словах, а не в письме.
2. Прежде чем использовать let’s , нужно знать, что это сокращение от let us У вас получается Let us I explain
3. Здесь должен быть Паст симпл.
4. found MYself
5. Здесь не нужно определенного артикля.

Видите, только в первой строчке 5 ошибок.
Далее - хуже. С временами - полный бардак, даже исправлять не буду.
Выводы:
Мне очень жаль, но пока очень неумелое письмо (sorry)...
1. Разберитесь с временами. В большинстве случаев они употреблены неправильно.
2. Не используйте разговорные выражения в письменной речи.
3. Повторите препозишнены.

Вам пока работать, работать и еще раз работать. Успехов!!!

[Photomax]

Вам пока работать, работать и еще раз работать. Успехов!!!

Спасибо за ответ, попробую проанализировать ошибки и темы повторить, эх картина не очень оптимистичная получается, т.к. через полтора месяца экзамен.

[KalinkaMalinka]

Photomax, а какая вам оценка нужна?
Ну, что могу сказать, учебник в зубы и вперед!
Прерываться только на еду, сон и туалет

[lx]

да от руки, без компа и с граматикой лучше стало, раньше вообще кошмар было

ИМХО: Шестёрка тут 100% ная. Удачи!