My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Тина]

И еще вопрос. У Вас выложены файлы на диске, в том числе
Майка Уотти. Но она запаролена. Это чтобы никто не мог скачать? Или можно получить пароль?

пароль в названии книги/файла

[Tuktuk]

пароль в названии книги/файла

Понятно. Это чтобы нельзя было скачать невнимательным.

[duke_Nukem]

Понятно. Это чтобы нельзя было скачать невнимательным.

Tuktuk, Ваш потенциал достаточно неплохой, судя по эссе. Осталось лишь почитать побольше теории, чтобы правильно структурировать и использовать нужные словообороты - и 7-7.5 баллов в кармане.

[Тина]

Прошу покритиковать / проверить очередное эссе.
Кто разбирается скажите пожалуйста на какую оценку оно тянет?
Заранее благодарю за любые комментарии.

Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boy and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools.
Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

There are different opinions with regard to the question of whether separate or mixed education is more advantageous for students. While some people argue that there are more benefits in separate schools, others claim that mixed schools are better for children. This essay will analyse both points of view before the conclusion is drown and my own perspective is given.

It is believed by some that children should be educated in schools where boys and girls are taught separately, because of the more appropriate school curriculum there. In other words, such schools have an opportunity to constitute their annual curriculums equally oriented on boys’ and girls’ needs. It is an irrefutable fact that girls develop faster than boys and they have faster pace in studying. As a result, some people think that only by distinguishing study process between boys and girls, can schools provide their students with effective education.

On the other hand, it is assumed by others that mixed education is better in view of the fact that children who study better can help others to advance. Female students with the higher level of knowledge can mentor male students who have faced difficulties. For instance, girls who absorb information faster and learn some subjects deeper can help boys, who need more time and explanations to understand these subjects. Moreover, mixed schools give children an enchanting experience in socialization between sexes. This experience is a necessity for their future working career as well as their future lives.

In conclusion, although there are merits of both methods of education, I strongly believe that schools with mixed classes are more beneficial for students. These schools provide their students with the fundamental knowledge of necessary subjects and significant experience of communication. To achieve a raging success, children should be given not only an opportunity to study in the natural environment where boys and girls study together, but also a possibility to choose subjects which are the most interesting for them.

[Pashich]

Прошу покритиковать / проверить очередное эссе.
Кто разбирается скажите пожалуйста на какую оценку оно тянет?
Заранее благодарю за любые комментарии.

Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boy and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools.
Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

There are different opinions with regard to the question of whether separate or mixed education is more advantageous for students. While some people argue that there are more benefits in separate schools, others claim that mixed schools are better for children. This essay will analyse both points of view before the conclusion is drown and my own perspective is given.

It is believed by some that children should be educated in schools where boys and girls are taught separately, because of the more appropriate school curriculum there(Ок, более подходящий curriculum). In other words, such schools have an opportunity to constitute their annual curriculums equally oriented on(grammar. нельзя так юзатьorient) boys’ and girls’ needs(ок, но пока не ясно что за нужды такие). It is an irrefutable fact that girls develop faster than boys and they have faster pace in studying.(Я предполагал что тут будет объяснено про needs, но тут идет новая идея) As a result, some people think that only by distinguishing study process between boys and girls(“studying in separate schools” and “distinguished study process between girls and boys” mean different things. Последнее есть не совсем то, что у нас спрашивают в топике. Т.е. или объяснять что такое distinguished studying process или не писать вот так), can schools provide their students with effective education.


On the other hand(не уместно сюда), it is assumed by others that mixed education is better in view of the fact that children who study better can help others to advance. Female students(в предыдущем предл. было про детей, видимо они так быстро выросли до студентов и стали резко самками. Т.е. если было бы For example, в самом начале предложения, смотрелось бы нормально) with the higher level of knowledge can mentor male students who have faced difficulties(Не убедительно. Почему мальчики в разнополых школах не могут помогать мальчикам ? ). For instance, girls who absorb information faster and learn some subjects deeper can help boys, who need more time and explanations to understand these subjects(повтор предыдущего предложения). Moreover, mixed schools give children an enchanting experience in socialization between sexes(вот эту идею я бы выбрал за основной топик сентенс., т.к. её можно было бы лучше развить). This experience is a necessity for their future working career(1) as well as their future lives(a lot)(как-то плохо сочетается вместе).


In conclusion, although there are merits of both methods of education(об методах или о раздельных школах все таки пишем?), I strongly believe that schools with mixed classes are more beneficial for students. These schools provide their students with the fundamental knowledge of necessary subjects(что же тогда преподают в однополых школах ? and significant experience of communication. To achieve a raging success, children should be given not only an opportunity to study in the natural environment where boys and girls study together, but also a possibility to choose subjects which are the most interesting for them.[/QUOTE]

Тина, task respons&task achievement плохой. Идеи плохие. Рекомендуется вам почитать перед написанием чт-нибудь на тему benefits&drawback single sex and separate schools


Второй параграф – неубедительно, т.к. вы пишите, что девочки(кто с более высокими знаниями) могут помогать мальчикам. Оно выглядит, как будто девочки всегда помогают мальчикам. И ни как наоборот. Присутствует Overgeneralization – т.е. общие слова, нет конкретных примеров.

[Тина]

Pashich,


СПАСИБО огромное за такой развернутый ответ!

Буду импрувиться!

Права Maimiti_Isabella, что надо перед написанием эссе читать статьи на тему...
теперь так и буду делать...

[Tuktuk]

Tuktuk, Ваш потенциал достаточно неплохой, судя по эссе. Осталось лишь почитать побольше теории, чтобы правильно структурировать и использовать нужные словообороты - и 7-7.5 баллов в кармане.

Спасибо.
Проблема в том, что при написании опуса активно использовал умную статью. Если получилось 7, то это скорее печаль чем хорошо.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Прошу покритиковать / проверить очередное эссе.
Кто разбирается скажите пожалуйста на какую оценку оно тянет?

I'd say 7 or probably 7.5.

BTW, to draw a conclusion --> a conclusion is drawn

because of --> due to

faster pace of learning

[Tuktuk]

Для поклонников моего творчества, предлагаю новый шедевр.Прошу оценить

More and more people are migrating to cities in search of a better life, but city life can be extremely difficult. Explain some of the difficulties of living in a city. How can governments make urban life better for everyone?


People resettle to cities from rural areas to improve their living conditions. Following this global trend, they do not coordinate the plans with the government. However, facing in cities with the hardships such as housing prices and transport problems they hope the government supports them.

The main reason why living in a city is stressful is because the fair share of a family budget should be spent on accommodation payments. The rare family is able to afford to buy a new house to avoid the payments; therefore, there are only two ways not to be homeless, namely to take a loan for a house or to rent one. Both solutions force to bite monthly up to half of whole income. This is the first strike for new city inhabitant, but not only housing prices but also transport system spoils the life of an average city dweller. Overcrowded public transport, pure air quality due to exhaust fumes are illustrations to the imperfection transport system. All of this makes to turn towards the government for solutions.

As the first solution which authorities can suggest is a residential area for rental with reasonable prices. That is to say, the chance for homeless and the purest for accommodation should be provided. This would pull down all rental prices for accommodation and relax the problem of housing. This approach has been implemented in some middle-size cities in one European country and the outcome is more that good. As for transport system, the example of London authorities is encouraging; they have simply banned vehicles from the city centre. Coupled with the promotion of cleaner public transport these step seems promising for other cities.

In conclusion, the money spent on accommodation and the problems caused by the traffic are the key factors poisoning the lives of city residents and especially new arrivals. To ease their fate, the government is able to build affordable blocks of flats for rent and to coordinate traffic flows, sometimes banning them. Given these steps have been implemented, the dwelling in the city would be significantly improved.

[Тина]

I'd say 7 or probably 7.5.

BTW, to draw a conclusion --> a conclusion is drawn

because of --> due to

faster pace of learning

Thank you veru much!

One american native speaker told me that due to is always used with something negative. Is it true?

[Atelman]

Посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое эссе:

Some people say that the main purpose of television should be to entartain and to inform. Others say that the main purpose of television should be to educate people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

The question related to the primary goal of television is frequently discussed nowadays. Some believe that television should amuse people and let them know everyday news, others argue with this position saying that teaching through television is more important. This essay will discuss both points of view and then my opinion will be shared.

It is an irrefutable fact that recreational TV programs are very popular in hasty pace of life. After a hard working day, a person needs to rest and craves for being entertained. The colors and sound that people are observing in the variaty of amusing programs on the screen can affect the brain, motivate in diverse ways, or even inspire creation. For example, a Talent Show may encourage youth to believe in themselves and participate in any kind of performance.

At the same time television can be used as an educational tool. It is believed that knowledge received through television is absorbing in the easiest comparing to dry tutoring with books. For instance, such schooling programs on the National Geographic channel can make an outstanding contribution and broad a person's mind.

In conclusion, following the analysis, entertaining purpose, as well as, educational propose on the modern television have their positive effects. However, from my perspective, the advantages from teaching programs dominate for youngsters and young adults.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Thank you veru much!

One --> An american native speaker told me that due to is always used with something negative. Is it true?

You've got 2 options here:

1. ask your native speaker to point to the rule he refers to
2. do a bit of digging yourself


Могу только очередной раз напомнить фразу из 'Веселых Ребят':
в Париже даже лошади говорят по французски (с). Это к вопросу о нэйтиве.

[sergey_a]

Tuktuk, Вы нигде не ответили на вопрос эссе ("Is this a positive or negative development?"), да ещё и окончательно запутали противоречием в conclusion. Избегайте конкретных чисел (Вы их с потолка будете в аудитории брать?).

А почему нужно избегать их? Нам препод говорил, что правдивость информации никто не проверяет или же дело не в ее правдивости? Лично мне очень просто придумать что-то типа According to the latest research of the Ukrainian National Sociological Society, quantity of lung diseases has increased dramatically from 3% of population in 2010 to 5% in 2015. т.е. по сути это шаблон.

[Pashich]

More and more people are migrating to cities in search of a better life, but city life can be extremely difficult. Explain some of the difficulties of living in a city. How can governments make urban life better for everyone?

Идеи и их логичность и связность в целом неплохи. Но нет всяких нужных вступительных, связующих фраз типа as a result, therefore; as a case in point; и т.п. которые в IELTS оцениваются.
Solutionы - в эссе так не предлагают.
Т.е. видно по тексту что где то у вас достаточно хорошо написано, а где-то просто забавным кажется такое написание -)
Также большие проблемы с артиклями у вас и препозициями. Некоторые фразы коряво или неправильно написаны .
С нормальным преподом вам позаниматься немного и можете достигнуть 7-ки со временем. Эта работа потянет на 6 - 6.5 макс.

[Pashich]

Посмотрите, пожалуйста, мое эссе:

Some people say that the main purpose of television should be to entartain and to inform. Others say that the main purpose of television should be to educate people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

The question related to the primary goal of television is frequently discussed nowadays. Some believe that television should amuse people and let them know everyday news, others argue with this position saying that teaching through television is more important. This essay will discuss both points of view and then my opinion will be shared.

It is an irrefutable fact that recreational TV programs are very popular in hasty pace of life. After a hard working day, a person needs to rest and craves for being entertained. The colors and sound that people are observing in the variaty of amusing programs on the screen can affect the brain, motivate in diverse ways, or even inspire creation. For example, a Talent Show may encourage youth to believe in themselves and participate in any kind of performance.

At the same time television can be used as an educational tool. It is believed that knowledge received through television is absorbing in the easiest way comparing to dry tutoring with\through books. For instance, such/some(т.к. such относится к конкретным, а у вас их нет) schooling programs on the National Geographic channel can make an outstanding contribution and broad a person's mind.

In conclusion, following the analysis, entertaining purpose, as well as, educational propose on the modern television have their positive effects. However, from my perspective, the advantages from teaching programs dominate for youngsters and young adults.

Очень неплохо написано.
program - Ame; programme - Bre
will be shared - will be presented (гармоничнее)
Незначительные ошибки
commas in , as well as,
the advantages from
dominate for

Но 7-ку не дадут, т.к. нет 250 слов.Если бы было, то 7 было бы точно.