My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[kiggiss]

И снова здравствуйте! Всем привет после многолетнего перерыва! Хеллоу!

[kiggiss]

Да, в общем по теме. Я тут решил опять поднатаскаться к сдаче АйЭЛТСа и начал писать эссе. Пока что написал одно и оно меня не сильно вдохновило, но суть начал разбираться как и что, советы с ieltsadvantage.com посмотрел и выкладываю на суд три версии Introduction на следующую тему:

Even though doctors all over the world gree that fast food is bad for people's health, more and more people are eating it.
Why are more people eating fast food?
What can be done about this problem?

Во-первых это эссе из серии Problems and Solutions! Все верно?

[kiggiss]

Вот три типа введения. Первый - самый первый вариант, когда я еще не прочитал про то, как писать Problems and Solutions.

1. Fast food is convenient but not really healthy choice for our stomaches as many healthcare specialists agree around the world. What are the reasons why this food is becoming more popular amongst society and what measures can be done about it?

После немного почитал как писать эссе и вот что получилось

2. Hamburgers and sodas also known as a fast food are greatly consumed by many people and have negative impact on our health and wellbeing and it is recognised by many healthcare specialists around the world.

3. Hamburgers, hot dogs, sodas and snacks all known as a fast food have become increasingly popular amongst societies even though healthcare specialists in many countries had recognised that such eating habits negatively impact people's wellbeing. In the essay I would like to outline reasons behind increasing popularity of fast food and measures which can be done to lessen bad consequencies on human's health.

Сразу вопрос. Надо ли в интро говорить что я хочу в этом эссе написать про то и про это и т.д.
Второй вопрос это Academic или General? В General module есть эссе problems and solutions?

[сaня]

Проверьте кто-нибудь, пожалуйста.

тема Some people think that only the government can make significant changes in society, while others think that individuals can have a lot of influence. What is your opinion?

ответ A number of people around the globe believe that most of the major changes affecting our lives can only be implemented by the government. Other folks however, tend to think that everyone's efforts are essential to make a difference in the world. In my opinion, personal participation of every member of a given society is required to bring about a reform of the system upon which they live.
Although official policies are commonly required to resolve global issues facing the population of a country or a planet as a whole, we cannot diminish the role of every person in that process.

Afterall, the government is just a group of (corrupt and dishonest) people wearing suits. For example, nowadays, the modern civilization is facing a set of serious difficulties knwon as 'Global issues'. Among those are pollution, global warming and overpopulation to name a few. I personally think that the responsibility for the majority of problems in that area lies not just with the world government (propping up megacorps that only care about chasing profits and don't give a damn about preserving the environment), but mainly on careless individuals choosing to work for evil organizations, contaminating the atmosphere by driving their cars, consuming excessive amounts of food and water, refusing to exclusively adapt renewable energy and for several other reasons as well. (There comes a point when the government should employ their mechanisms to stop those citizens from procreating and having babies.)

A worldwide NGO called Greenpeace as well as a lot of famous scientists and environmentalists around the globe work intensively every day to raise public awareness on the issue of preserving nature by publishing articles, conducting comprehensive research and trying to educate the human society about the vital importance of following a more eco-friendly lifestyle. People working together to ensure the future of our planet is a prime example illustrating that not only the government, but ultimately everyone can make significant changes in society.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Over the next week I'll be able to check a couple of essays. So, if interested, please send them to my personal messages.

Check out my requirements before sending me any essays!

http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/45491...ml#post5054938

[Oleg32]

Посмотрите и оцените кто сможет одно из моих ессе: Academic. Нужны 7-ки
Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are
complete waste of time.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
There is a school of thought that infants should spend their free time in studying trend or it could be time wasting. This essay agrees that child’s games should be made in development of knowledge point of view. First, this position will be proven by an analysis of useless adolescent actions. A discussion of educating game programs will also support the view stated above.
The main reason why out of school time should be spend with advantage of study is the modern concern of worthless time in front of TV or computer screen. Little do people realize about how some popular electronic games or cartoons could limit child’s progress at school. If it weren’t for the negative effects of such distractions, public media would not noticed this problem. For instance, in 2016 Russian scholars who spent more than 3 hours of playing computer games showed lower than average results at school exams reported The Education magazine.
On no account should the benefits of educational type of playing be forgotten. In other words, not only it is important to give children rest of school classes at home, but it also good to teach them something new by fun actions. This is because such lessons made by attractive games could be even more memorized than traditional lectures. For example, new educational series of cartoon movies made in Russia in 2015-2016 became very popular for school children and increase their interest in popular science informed by RBC agency.
In conclusion, taking into account all written above, I firmly convinced that youngsters should have rest by getting something new. This is due to the fact that current popular activities like PlayStation games could decrease school marks and new educational game programs can be very effective.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Посмотрите и оцените кто сможет одно из моих ессе: Academic. Нужны 7-ки
Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are
complete waste of time.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
There is a school of thought that infants should spend their free time in studying trend or it could be time wasting. This essay agrees that child’s games should be made in development of knowledge point of view. First, this position will be proven by an analysis of useless adolescent actions. A discussion of educating game programs will also support the view stated above.
The main reason why out of school time should be spend with advantage of study is the modern concern of worthless time in front of TV or computer screen. Little do people realize about how some popular electronic games or cartoons could limit child’s progress at school. If it weren’t for the negative effects of such distractions, public media would not noticed this problem. For instance, in 2016 Russian scholars who spent more than 3 hours of playing computer games showed lower than average results at school exams reported The Education magazine.
On no account should the benefits of educational type of playing be forgotten. In other words, not only it is important to give children rest of school classes at home, but it also good to teach them something new by fun actions. This is because such lessons made by attractive games could be even more memorized than traditional lectures. For example, new educational series of cartoon movies made in Russia in 2015-2016 became very popular for school children and increase their interest in popular science informed by RBC agency.
In conclusion, taking into account all written above, I firmly convinced that youngsters should have rest by getting something new. This is due to the fact that current popular activities like PlayStation games could decrease school marks and new educational game programs can be very effective.

До 7-ки как минимум год интенсивных занятий.

[andriko]

Получил в очередной рас 6,5 за райтинг и вот что-то походу я в етой жизни не понимаю. Вобщем нужна 7, и ниже представлено мое стандартное ессе которое сечас я пишу за 30-35 минут, подробный анализ не нужен(я итак знаю что оно безупречное, просто прошу проскимить одним глазом и сказать тянет оно на 7 или нет, заранее спасибо.

The unlimited use of cars may cause many problems. What are those problems? In order to reduce the problems, should we discourage people to use cars?

It is said that the enormous number of cars on roads has caused various problems in modern life, and in order to overcome them, it would be better if there were fewer cars on the road. This essay will shed light on some issues, resulting from a widespread car usage, and propose some viable methods to tackle them.

Environment degradation and traffic jams are just some of the negative results of a rapidly increasing number of drivers on roads. The more cars that are used for daily commuting, as an example, the more CO2 emissions are released as a result of burning fuel in an engine. Therefore, the vehicles which work on gasoline are significant contributors to air pollution issue. Furthermore, being stuck in traffic jams, many people waste their priceless time which they could spend with family or friends as well. To illustrate this, an acquaintance of mine missed the birthday party of his daughter last summer because of traffic congestion, so his child despised him for more than a month.

Nevertheless, this situation is not the end of the world because some solutions, if implemented by a government, may create a long-lasting change. One of the tremendously effective strategies is to promote electric vehicles. Working on electricity, the engine of such cars does not produce hazardous fumes at all. Therefore, governments should financially support companies which produce eco-friendly cars. To illustrate this, had Elon Musk not received a loan from the US government, would he have built his colossal manufacturing facilities so rapidly?

In conclusion, based on the above, it has become apparent that problems related to car usage should be neither overlooked nor underestimated. I am of the opinion that discouraging people from using their cars could be considered as mopping the floor without turning off the faucet, which means that the implementation could be utterly useless and issues still would not be resolved.

[Pashich]

Получил в очередной рас 6,5 за райтинг и вот что-то походу я в етой жизни не понимаю. Вобщем нужна 7, и ниже представлено мое стандартное ессе которое сечас я пишу за 30-35 минут, подробный анализ не нужен(я итак знаю что оно безупречное, просто прошу проскимить одним глазом и сказать тянет оно на 7 или нет, заранее спасибо.

ну тут все просто, у вас task achievement мимо. А из-за этого общая оценка сразу идет на уровень 5-ки. Дальше грамматикой и лексикой очень сложно вытащить её до 7-ки.

грамматика + range of words норм

1.
Перечитайте задание и перечитайте абзацы и подумайте, отвечают ли вашы абзацы на вопросы, которые вас спрашивают?

2. Не очень нравится ваши introductory sentences в абзацах. По теории IELTS они должны вводить в курс того о чем собираетесь сказать в абзаце. Ваши предложения возможно сгодятся для написания general тем
в статьях, но не для IELTS эссе.

3. Не нравится мне ваше conclusion ни туда, ни сюда. Слишком мудрено написано и с вашими абзацами в эссе её слишком сложно свести.
Конклюжн должен вытекать и подитоживать то что вы написали в двух абзацах суммарно. В том виде в котором оно у вас написано, это вообще непонятная штука.

Если доработаете эти моменты, которые я упомянул, у вас может быть и 8-ка.

The unlimited use of cars may cause many problems. What are those problems? In order to reduce the problems, should we discourage people to use cars?

It is said that the enormous number of cars on roads has caused various problems in modern life, and in order to overcome them, it would be better if there were fewer cars on the road. This essay will shed light on some issues, resulting from a widespread car usage, and propose some viable methods to tackle them.

and propose some viable methods to tackle them
-где в задании вас спрашивают про методы как решить проблемы?

Environment degradation and traffic jams are just some of the negative results of a rapidly increasing number of drivers on roads. The more cars that are used for daily commuting, as an example, the more CO2 emissions are released as a result of burning fuel in an engine. Therefore, the vehicles which work on gasoline are significant contributors to air pollution issue. Furthermore, being stuck in traffic jams, many people waste their priceless time which they could spend with family or friends as well. To illustrate this, an acquaintance of mine missed the birthday party of his daughter last summer because of traffic congestion, so his child despised him for more than a month.

-это ок, тут вы описываете проблемы которые вызывает excessive car usage

Nevertheless, this situation is not the end of the world because some solutions, if implemented by a government, may create a long-lasting change. One of the tremendously effective strategies is to promote electric vehicles. Working on electricity, the engine of such cars does not produce hazardous fumes at all. Therefore, governments should financially support companies which produce eco-friendly cars. To illustrate this, had Elon Musk not received a loan from the US government, would he have built his colossal manufacturing facilities so rapidly?

-это совсем мимо темы

In conclusion, based on the above, it has become apparent that problems related to car usage should be neither overlooked nor underestimated. I am of the opinion that discouraging people from using their cars could be considered as mopping the floor without turning off the faucet, which means that the implementation could be utterly useless and issues still would not be resolved.

не нравится, слишком заумно описал вначале почему

[andriko]

Спасибо

[Tory Lavr]

Добрый день,
отдала свои эссе на проверку Mike Wattie. Результат не впечатлил.
Есть над чем работать. Но его обратная связь по некоторым вопросам удивила.
Например, сказал категорично не использовать thus, только hence и другие.
Thus - устаревшее, и могут только native использовать. Hence - наоборот современный вариант.
Смутило то, что читала ровно противоположное мнение.
Кому верить?

[Dmytri]

Я считаю что для тог чтобы получить больше за словарь вместо CO2 лучше использовать carbon dioxide and/or carbon monoxide, также полезны будут слова exacerbate, aggravate, deteriorate for negative and alleviate, mitigate for positive. Также, мне кажется дают бонус за использование(правильное) в предложении ";" и ":". e.g. Nowadays such new media technologies as television and computer games increasingly affect the society's life; furthermore, we can observe that children spend much time playing video games or watching TV.

[сaня]

вапроз:
Tourism is an ever growing industry. What benefits do you think it brings to individuals and society?

аттвед: As traveling becomes a more popular and affordable hobby for many people, the popularity of global tourism is on the rise. Visiting new countries is beneficial for both individuals and societies as a whole for several key reasons.

On a personal level, taking a voyage or going on a trip to another part of the world can be a very exciting and exhilarating experience that allows for considerable individual development. Visiting a new land allows people to explore unalike cultures and customs, make foreign friends and connections and perhaps even learn world languages . Different places on our planet often have varied political systems, values, lifestyles, nature or climate which can be quite a contrast and may frequently have a very captivating effect on travelers. For example, it can be especially interesting for someone living in a post-industrial Western country to visit developing nations such as China, Mexico or Russia to get a fresh perspective on life.

Outside cultural exchange and sightseeing, there are also more widespread positive effects the travel industry can have on communities and population globally. For instance, promoting tourism boosts the economy and helps establish better relations between nations worldwide. This in-turn facilitatez international cooperation. Since many countries nowadays have common issues, going on vacation abroad may also help specialists find fresh solutions to problems affecting their communities, which is yet another point illustrating the advantages of tourism.

In summary, whether people are traveling for business or pleasure, this industry gives everyone the chance to expand their horizons and enhance their lives. The tourism industry also creates jobs and advances multinational partnership, therefore it's a very valuable industry all-around and its benefits can be acknowledged universally.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

вапроз:
Tourism is an ever growing industry. What benefits do you think it brings to individuals and society?

аттвед: As traveling becomes a more popular and affordable hobby for many people, the popularity of global tourism is on the rise. Visiting new countries is beneficial for both individuals and societies as a whole for several key reasons.

On a personal level, taking a voyage or going on a trip to another part of the world can be a very exciting and exhilarating experience that allows for considerable individual development. Visiting a new land allows people to explore unalike cultures and customs, make foreign friends and connections and perhaps even learn world languages . Different places on our planet often have varied political systems, values, lifestyles, nature or climate which can be quite a contrast and may frequently have a very captivating effect on travelers. For example, it can be especially interesting for someone living in a post-industrial Western country to visit developing nations such as China, Mexico or Russia to get a fresh perspective on life.

Outside cultural exchange and sightseeing, there are also more widespread positive effects the travel industry can have on communities and population globally. For instance, promoting tourism boosts the economy and helps establish better relations between nations worldwide. This in-turn facilitatez international cooperation. Since many countries nowadays have common issues, going on vacation abroad may also help specialists find fresh solutions to problems affecting their communities, which is yet another point illustrating the advantages of tourism.

In summary, whether people are traveling for business or pleasure, this industry gives everyone the chance to expand their horizons and enhance their lives. The tourism industry also creates jobs and advances multinational partnership, therefore it's a very valuable industry all-around and its benefits can be acknowledged universally.

a-bloody-mazing!
almost

[NortT]

отдала свои эссе на проверку Mike Wattie. Результат не впечатлил.

Меня он воообще не впечатлил, я у него меньше 7 никогда не получал, хотя на экзамене было стабильно 6.5. Короче он расслабляет.