My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[allen]

Vanderley, смею вас побеспокоить еще раз!!! Если вас не затруднит взгляните на мое новое эссе. Все мои грамматические и содержательные ляпы будутпотом тщательно проработаны. Спасибо! И с наступающим!!!!!


The use of CCTV (close circuit television) cameras in streets, stations, shops and other public places has increased rapidly in recent years. Although we are told that these cameras help in the fight against crime, some people are opposed to their use. They believe that everyone has a right to privacy. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays many societies face an escalation of crime rates and need to (I would not write have to. Cause they don't; it's not an obligation.)to invent new ways to protect people from becoming victims (people - plural, a victim - singular) . There is an opinion that cameras on _ (почему the? вы же не имеете в виду какие-то особые улицы) streets and in premises may make a difference and reduce violation. However, other people claim that these measures are bound to infringe people’s private rights.

Personally, I am inclined to believe that CCTV is an adequate option to fight against crime. Firstly, if cameras are installed on busy highways, reckless drivers will be discouraged from speeding and as a result the number of accidents is bound to reduce. Secondly, not only owners (but not buyers, I really doubt that buyers would really care) will not have to (just different order of the words) worry about having their goods stolen in shops if there is a camera in the hall , but also customers will feel more secure to know that this aria is free from pickpockets . Finally, the officials maintain that these measures of protection have considerable facilitated the job of investigators while tracking down perpetrators and proving their gilt in the court.

Nevertheless, the opponents of this view say that any kind of CCTV intrude on people’s private life. When people know that they are under scrutiny they cannot help thinking about being watched by strangers and this may cause nervous breakdowns. Moreover, as regards celebrities, they are those who seem to be at disadvantage the most as they may fall a victim to unscrupulous people who may sell the footage with famous people to journalists.

All things considered, I believe that the importance of maintaining security has precedence over anything else. Consequently, taking into consideration the effectiveness of CCTV in deterring the commission of offenses it is well worth putting up with some inconvenience it causes (or may cause ? I mean the purpose of the camera is not causing inconvenience).

а вобще, good job =)

there are a lot of words I didn't not, despite living in the US )

[allen]

Noisy neighbor, your landlord is Mr. Putin.

Dear landlord , dear Mr. Putin

I have been renting your flat on the ( устойчивое выражение) 35th floor of Putin's skyscraper (сheck the spelling) for already about (вы таким образом пытаетесь расширить размер эссе ?) 10 years. You know (это не стиль написания эссе для аелтса)
I have always been a good tenant, paid on time, never bothered (что такое borried? ) you with silly things like leaking water (leaking taps скорее) in
the (у вас конкретная ванная с протекающими потолками ) bathroom or not working light_bulb in the (опять таки конкретная спальня с не работающими лампочками) bedroom (spelling, Spelling !! SPELLING!!!!) .

Now I am writing to (уберите артикль ненужный )you because there is a problem with one of my neighbors on the (здесь вы артикль использовали в отличии от первого раза, будьте внимательней) 35th floor. It looks like(Although)
he has recently moved in but he has already made a lot of problems for me. The main problem is the (нойс просто не может идти с артиклем "a") noise. Every night
starting from 1am (1 a.m.) till approximately 3am I hear him screaming (it's not about HOW he screams, it's about WHAT he is screaming, I would also replace the word scream with the word yell, maybe) something like "Putin is a crook!
Putin is thieve (a thief)! Putin, go away!". I don't really understand , but probably he things (thinks) you live (Present Simple) here in
the apartment. I was trying (tried) to contact him without success.

I am also not sure why he thinKs (think - думать, thinG - вещь) you are a thief (как слышу так и пи'шу) . I have a wild guess that it may be related to your 26
palaces all across the (никакого артикля России, опишите другими словами) Russia but may be (maybe) he thinks you do not pay (Present Simple. You get it into the habit not to pay )taxes well (что значит well?). What I think could be
done in that situation is that you could contact him to solve (not ReSolve, nobody have solved the problem yet, so that you could REsolve it) the situation.

Please don't suggest me to send a letter to the president's administration.(прям угрозы какие-то, да еще и президенту) I have already done that once without
any real work get done to solve my problem. And also (это ваш 5й also ) I am not sure IF Mr. Medvedev is going to keep its (his)
presidensy (presidency) till the and (end) of his turn.

Please try to explain to my neighbor that his behavior makes nothing but problems for me, for an absolutely innocent
person. By the way, his name is Mr. Navalny.

Sincerely yours,
Tenant


Solve is not the best word, You can solve a math problem. In your case I would use work out.

Вам бы сказки писать, мне аж интересно читать было )

Успехов Вам

[allen]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons
and examples to support your answer.


Parents are supposed to be teachers. Unless you want and can hire a babysitter with teaching skills, (comma!) you are
the only people who may take care of your kids' (plural) education and character development.

During the first pre-school years you are the people your kids would spend most of their time with, you tell your
kids what they should get used to and the most importantyou teach them what is right and what is wrong
in respect to the morality.

Your kids are likely to copy most of your behavioral patterns. If they see you throwing away some garbage right
to the neighbors' (plural, соседей у вас больше чем 1 человек) front yard they may think it is OK to do that and can do it also (try to use other words besides also) . If, in opposite, you would tell
your kids that you had never done that (косвенная речь) and doing that would be inappropriate behavior, they would understand that (слишком много that) and likely
would never ever do that again throughout their life.

But practically not all parents are good teachers. Sometimes because they simply do not have good personalities and hence, they
are not the best people for kids to learn from. Sometimes parents do not have enough experience to explain what something
needs or should not (у вас не согласование сначала что требутся, положительно значение, потом чего не следует, отрицательное значение) be done and why. It can also be harder to teach kids who go to school (some parents do have kids that go to school) . They are older than your kids and
are the (артикль можео ставить только перед сущ.) harder to teach.

Be a good parent, spend as much time with your kids as you can, teach them while they are younger. Remember that
it is your responsibility to develop a good character in your kid.

You are a wonderful parent

знаете, я бы вам порекомендовал Синего Мерфи English Grammar in Use.

[kiggiss]

Recently people have being got unfit what leaded to health problems. What are the reasons for that and what in your opinion can be done to resolve this problem?



Nowadays especially in big cities we can see more and more people getting unfit. Major problem is overweight and this came from overeating. Generally such people have health problems. This is a negative trend and health care tries to find a way to overcome this sort of issue.
People who live in big megalopolises and average size cities are lack of movement first of all. Cosmopolitan infrastructure has all facilities to make the life easier and more convenient. In everyday life we do not move enough because we get to our work by car or public transport. Those who work in the office mostly sit in front of the computer all day long. Generally, we do not even walk any significant distances on daily basis. Even going shopping we use escalators and lifts instead of stairs in shopping malls.
The other and probably main reason of being unfit is our diet. Most of us do not care about what we put into our mouth. Generally, people tend to eat delicious but not healthy sort of food. Food which contains a lot of fat, sugar or oil attracts us most of all. On the contrary healthy products which contains fiber for instance vegetables is not very common in daily ration. Sometimes people do not have a chance to get a healthy lunch because of lack of time most of all. For example American eating culture widely accepted such kind of lunch as hamburger and french fries. This is not healthy pack also known as bland food. Presently there are lots of people in the United States who suffer from obesity and have serious health problems as hearth disease.
Finally I can say that being overweighted and unfit is an issue of modern society. To overcome this issue we should pay attention first of all on our diet. We should choose healthy food which does not contain artificial sugar and fat. Sport also has a huge impact on our health. Doing physical exercises, jog or swim on regular basis would keep us in fit and maintain strong health and wellbeing.


Всех С НОВЫМ ГОДОМ!

Удачи, Здоровья, Счастья и получения заветного ГРАНТА в Новом Году!

[allen]

Some businesses now say that no one can smoke cigarettes in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking
in all public places. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons.



There are two categories of people. First are those who smoke. Second do not. First have rights to smoke. Second have
rights not to smell that.

Some time ago, in the early 90's there was a complete smoking ban in Russia. That led to people protest at streets with messages
to the president to change the law. They assumed that they had a right to smoke, and ask to give them some cigarets. Some time
later the rules were (они сами не изменились, их кто-то изменил, Passive Voice) changed because of the protests.

Now people can smoke everywhere, even at kid's (обратите внимание на ваш possessive, это уже не первая у вас ошибка. Kid's - площадка ОДНОГО ребенка. Kids' - plural) playgrounds, near to grocery stores, at entrances of metro stations and even
inside of them, at bus stops. Good for smokers, bad for the others and definitely bad for kids.

I agree that both categories of people should be considered, but the world trend is to put more and more limitations
on people who do smoke. They make smoking more expensive for smokers, make it harder to find a place to smoke, make it almost
impossible to smoke at the workplace and make sure that if a smokerbreaks the law they (not "he", do not discriminate female smokers) are going to be prosecuted.

The advantages of these rules are that there is no popularization of smoking. The less people see those who smoke, (comma)
the less they would want to do it themselves. It will finally make it very unpopular to smoke. Our kids will grow
healthy and are likely will not smoke.

There are only disadvantages for the people who smoke. But as soon as they get used to it, they will likely to agree that
even for them in a long term those decisions were good decisions.

Всех с Новым годом )

[allen]

4. Studying the English language in an English-speaking country is the best but not the only way to learn the language. Do you agree with this statement? (Model tests for the IELTS)

The English language is one of the most learned and popular languages in the world. Almost all over the world English is a compulsory subject both in the school and university curriculum. There are a lot of English language courses both in English speaking and non- English speaking countries.
No doubt, that learning English in an English-speaking country is the best way and can be described as more advisable and interesting. First of all, one is immersed into the language atmosphere. Secondly, it may be very enjoyable and adventurous to learn about the culture and traditions of a foreign country. Thirdly, all teachers are native speakers in the English-speaking countries. Finally, it is a great chance to make friends with people from different countries since English courses in English speaking countries are usually quite multinational.
But I do not fully agree with the above statement. For example, let's compare my two friends who have been learning English for two years. One of my friends started her program in Britain when her level of English was intermediate and after she came back from the study, (comma) which took her eight months, (comma) her level became upper-intermediate. Another friend was also at the same level as the first friend and moreover, at the same time she began her upper-intermediate course but in her home country, (comma) which is a non -English speaking country . In eight months after starting their courses they both took the IELTS Exams and passed it with the same scores.
In summary, I firmly believe that, certainly, people who have a golden opportunity to learn English in an English-speaking country are lucky ones, but the result of learning first of all depends on the patience and diligence of an English language learners.

Вы пишите сложными "русскими" предложениями. И все бы ничего, да правильно бы знаки припенания расставили.
Но идея мне Ваша очень нравится ))

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Recently people have being got unfit what leaded to health problems. What are the reasons for that and what in your opinion can be done to resolve this problem?

Is it Chinglish or Konglish? Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with English.

Nowadays especially in big cities we can see more and more people getting unfit.

PS You have changed the topic of the essay again. Hence the mark for task achievement just went down.


A lot of mistakes as well.

[allen]

I'm not even going to comment on your grammar mistakes. But I got offended on this point:

American eating culture widely accepted such kind of lunch as hamburger and french fries. This is not healthy pack also known as bland food.

What do you know about Americans eating culture? I lived with an American family for a year and they DO NOT eat any more hamburgers than people in Russia do.

Presently there are lots of people in the United States who suffer from obesity and have serious health problems as hearth disease.

Have you ever been to the US? What you are writing is just mean and absolutely inappropriate to write on the IELTS exam.

Sport also has a huge impact on our health. Doing physical exercises, jog or swim on regular basis would keep us in fit and maintain strong health and wellbeing.

Exactly! And America is all about the sport. Sport is very important in America. Everybody plays some sport while in the school. And the university football and basketball games are a huge deal in the US.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

[COLOR=Blue]Have you ever been to the US? What you are writing is just mean and absolutely inappropriate to write on the IELTS exam.

Unfortunately, you're quite wrong here:
Obesity statistics - Countries Compared - NationMaster
Fattest Countries in the World — Infoplease.com
World Obesity Stats 2010 | Statistics 2011
etc

[Silk_Road]

Друзья поделитесь если кто-то имеет свои готовые шаблоны для врайтинга ? Хочу сравнить со своими.
Готовился ( в сентябре 2010) месяц и сдал со следующими результатами: L 8,5 R 5,5 W 6,5 S 6,5
Хочу начать готовится и сдать экзамены в Апреле. Как вы думаете получится ли у меня сдать все не 7 ку ?
Спосиба за ответ

[Goran Dražić]

Hello everyone. First of all I want to thank everyone who helped me with my essays here. I took my first IELTS exam about a month ago and I got 7.5 for writing, which is not bad at all but still needs improving.

Right now I'm trying to make final effort and to get the desired band score. I would be greatful if someone could check the following piece of writing.

Topic:
Today, more graduates are unable to find jobs. Discuss the causes of rising unemployment
among young adults and suggest any solutions.

Short plan to stay on the topic:
It is a problem-solution essay. The two causes of difficulties with finding jobs for young people are:
qualifications and skills obtained in schools do not meet real job requirements;
employers are reluctant to hire graduates because of the lack of experience;

Essay:
Education has been always considered as a necessary step for young people to get a job. However, recent studies have showed that the level of unemployment among ex-graduates is higher than ever. Many people feel that there are a number of problems associated with current education system, and they need to be addressed in order to alleviate the situation.

One problem that creates obstacles for graduates when looking for a position is an enourmous gap between qualifications they obtain during studiing and skills that potential employers are looking for. This is often caused by the fact that educational institutions do not aim to address the needs of local businesses and rarely update their courses. One solution to this problem would be for local authorities to provide colledges and universities with information about mostly demanded specialisations and for universities to adjust their programmes accordingly. This would lead to students getting required skills and being better prepared for future jobs.

Another problem that graduates face frequently is employer's unwillingness to hire unexperienced workers. One way to address this issue would be to allow local companies to organise laboratories in educational institutions where senior students can take part in real projects.It would be even better idea if students were required to work in some company as a part of a course. This could be benefitial both for the student and for the company, as while the former would get required experince and chance to practice, the latter would have an opportunity to choose some of the students to address company's needs.

As suggested above, the main reasons of unemployment among ex-graduates are absense of work experience and mismatch between universities' curriculums and employers' requirements. Educational establishments, companies and local authorities should work together to improve the situation.If the outlined problems are addressed, it will be easier for companies to find appropriate job candidates and the authorities will finally be able to deal with the problem of unemployment among young people.

Thanks for checking!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Topic:
Today, more graduates are unable to find jobs. Discuss the causes of rising unemployment
among young adults and suggest any solutions.


Essay:
Education has been always considered as a necessary step for young people to get a job. However, recent studies have showed that the level of unemployment among ex-graduates is higher than ever. Many people feel that there are a number of problems associated with current education system, and they need to be addressed in order to alleviate the situation.

One problem that creates obstacles for graduates when looking for a position is an enourmous gap between qualifications they obtain during studiing and skills that potential employers are looking for. This is often caused by the fact that educational institutions do not aim to address the needs of local businesses and rarely update their courses. One solution to this problem would be for local authorities to provide colledges and universities with information about mostly demanded specialisations and for universities to adjust their programmes accordingly. This would lead to students getting required skills and being better prepared for future jobs.

Another problem that graduates face frequently is employer's unwillingness to hire unexperienced workers. One way to address this issue would be to allow local companies to organise laboratories in educational institutions where senior students can take part in real projects.It would be even better idea if students were required to work in some company as a part of a course. This could be benefitial both for the student and for the company, as while the former would get required experince and chance to practice, the latter would have an opportunity to choose some of the students to address company's needs.

As suggested above, the main reasons of unemployment among ex-graduates are absense of work experience and mismatch between universities' curriculums and employers' requirements. Educational establishments, companies and local authorities should work together to improve the situation.If the outlined problems are addressed, it will be easier for companies to find appropriate job candidates and the authorities will finally be able to deal with the problem of unemployment among young people.

Thanks for checking!

I'd say the score for this essay would be between 7.5 and 8. Frankly, I find this essay too rigid and at times it sounds quite unnatural. From this point of view, your previous essays were much more 'native', if you know what I mean. There're also a couple of mistakes that I wouldn't have expected from you, e.g.

• studiing -> studying
• Education has been always considered -> has always been considered

Some other mistakes:

• current education system - not a good choice of words -> modern-day
• do not aim to address the needs -> you aim for something or at something. In your case, it's the latter.
• about mostly demanded specialisations - sounds very strange - skills in demand. Anyway, 'specialisation' is what you specialise in; it's not about your degree. They don't look for 'specialisations' but for people who specialise in certain fields. And it's not mostly, but most!
• unexperienced workers - do not use the word 'workers' in the given context. -> inexperienced workforce
• companies to organise laboratories in educational - the bolded word is used in the scientific environment and actually stresses the idea that we are dealing with research and not real-life business environment -> facilities. In addition, 'organise' is also a rather strange choice -> establish, sponsor, maintain

Lack of articles (some examples):

• the skills that potential employers are looking for
• the employer's unwillingness to hire

One more thing; though technically show - showed - showed is correct, the preferred form for BrE is still show - showed - shown:
recent studies have shown. My advice would be to stick to the more traditional one


There are no mistakes in grammar, at least nothing that stands out as wrong. I just feel that you're 'overdoing' on the essay. Your previous writings showed that you are capable of producing a much nicer 'flow'.

If everything goes your way, you can get the mark you aim for. Anyway, best of luck with your test and I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

[Goran Dražić]

Maimiti_Isabella, thanks for your comments!

I'd say the score for this essay would be between 7.5 and 8. Frankly, I find this essay too rigid and at times it sounds quite unnatural. From this point of view, your previous essays were much more 'native', if you know what I mean.

I was using a structure for solution essay from my "Upstream profeciency" book. I guess it was the structure that made it rigid.

There're also a couple of mistakes that I wouldn't have expected from you

Triple shame on me for studiing, unexperienced and mostly. I definitely shouldn't have made those mistakes.

By the way, there were two structures suggested for solution essays - one paragraph per problem-solution vs one paragraph per problem and one paragraph for all solutions. Which is more appropriate for this type of essay?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

By the way, there were two structures suggested for solution essays - one paragraph per problem-solution vs one paragraph per problem and one paragraph for all solutions. Which is more appropriate for this type of essay?

Who cares?! Your task is to answer the essay task and how you're going to do this is up to you. I'd say the choice of the essay organisational structure would depend on a) your personal preferences b) the topic.

To illustrate the latter, let's talk about air pollution, from the point of view of the problem-solution essay. There' one problem but many causes. Similarly, there are many solutions. Hence, for this one, I'd go for the second option, one paragraph to explain the problem and another to introduce different solution.
If on the other hand, I'm talking about different form of pollution, I would consider the first one, i.e. one para per problem/solution.

But I called essay rigid (or stiff ) because you didn't leave anything to your personal style, which surprised me. It was too textbook perfect. Even your examples were too impersonal, too general.

Again, this could be quite OK for an 8 but my point is that to get anything above it or to get a good solid 8 you need to be fluent in English albeit making some insignificant mistakes in word choices and/or prepositions and articles.

When are you sitting for IELTS?

[Goran Dražić]

When are you sitting for IELTS?

I'm planning to take IELTS in Feb twice. And some more times later in spring if I fail those two