My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Alexander Usov]

Думаю "There are several good points about getting education abroad in contrast with domestic one." следует переместить во вступление. В первом эссе тоже самое. Т.к. именно в первом параграфе должна описываться суть проблемы и то что вы собираетесь писать ниже.

В этом первом предложении я пишу о чем будет этот параграф - агрументы за. Структура взята с
http://www.writefix.com/argument/body2.htm

[Lavrentiy]

Today, many young people can get higher education in a foreign country. No doubt, global thinking and knowledge of another culture are big advantages. At the same time, you have to live separately from your family and friends. This essay will discuss some arguments for and against getting education abroad.

There are several good points about getting education abroad in contrast with domestic one. First of all, people have to study a new language and culture. As a result they can compare their own culture with the foreign one and think more globally. The second point is that people get better standards of teaching abroad than in their own country. For instance, there are many Asian students which go to Australia to get tertiary education. Before enrolling at a university they usually pass an IELTS exam. Finally, after several year of study young people make friends. So they can share their time together and have an interesting and fun life.

On the other hand, there are several disadvantages of getting a degree abroad. The main bad point is that students have to live there without parents, relatives and old friends. Therefore man can feel lonely and nostalgic. The next point is that tuition fees are usually more expensive than they are at home. Moreover, young people have to find accommodation to live in and will have to pay for it during their education.

To sum up, I sincerely believe that we have to extend the opportunities for our children to get education abroad. But parents don’t have to forget about issues there and have to support them. I’m sure the exchange of knowledge and cultures is progress for our civilization.

[Alexander Usov]

Today, many young people can get higher education in a foreign country. No doubt, global thinking and knowledge of another culture are big advantages. At the same time, you have to live separately from your family and friends. This essay will discuss some arguments for and against getting education abroad.

There are several good points about getting education abroad in contrast with domestic one. First of all, people have to study a new language and culture. As a result they can compare their own culture with the foreign one and think more globally. The second point is that people get better standards of teaching abroad than in their own country. For instance, there are many Asian students which go to Australia to get tertiary education. Before enrolling at a university they usually pass an IELTS exam. Finally, after several year of study young people make friends. So they can share their time together and have an interesting and fun life.

On the other hand, there are several disadvantages of getting a degree abroad. The main bad point is that students have to live there without parents, relatives and old friends. Therefore man can feel lonely and nostalgic. The next point is that tuition fees are usually more expensive than they are at home. Moreover, young people have to find accommodation to live in and will have to pay for it during their education.

To sum up, I sincerely believe that we have to extend the opportunities for our children to get education abroad. But parents don’t have to forget about issues there and have to support them. I’m sure the exchange of knowledge and cultures is progress for our civilization.

Спасибо. Ваши исправления были очень полезными.

[Alexander Usov]

Вот очередной 'шедевр'. Покритикуйте пожалуйста.

Topic: Some people prefer to work for a large company. Others prefer to work for a small company. Which would you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Many people believe that it is better to make career in a corporation. However, other choose a small firm for it. In this essay, I will consider benefits of working for these two types of the companies.

There are many advantages of working for a large firm like a multinational corporation. First of all, one gets a steady job. A large company usually has a specified share of the market and as a result one has many clients. Secondly, as a rule employees in a corporation have some perks. For instance, while they are sick, employer pays them a sickness benefit. Moreover, after definite term one gets a paid holiday. Finally, the workers of the large corporation have more opportunities to be promoted, in contract to their colleagues in a small company. It is the known fact, that there are more open as well as new positions in a big company.

On the other hand, there are some benefit of employing for a small firm like a start-up. No doubt, an employee usually has more responsibility because he has to do different types of work at the same time. For example, one can be responsible for working with the clients as well as run some technical work. As a result, one becomes more experienced and knows how a company work inside. In additional, worker can feel own important for the company and has more opportunities for a self-realization.

In conclusion, I am sure it is very useful to have experience of working in both type of the companies. In the future, it allows you to create your own start-up or make successful career in a multinational company.

[jenja]

Вот очередной 'шедевр'. Покритикуйте пожалуйста.

ИМХО - хорошо. Правильные связки, vocabulary, грамматика.
Мне кажется только, это не эссе "За-против". Здесь задание скорее - "Выбрать одну точку зрения и расписать с доказательствами". Как правило 1 абзац вступление, 2-3 абзаца - раскрытие идеи и доказательства, 4-5 - вскольз говорим о второй точке зрения, и заключение.
Если правильно будете использовать более сложные пердложения (например, причастные обороты), - балл должен быть выше

[Alexander Usov]

Прошу покритиковать эссе.

Topic: In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the causes of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It’s not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Many people believe that in order to combat crime, the most effective means are the jails and the police. However, other think it’s better to effect on the causes of the misdeeds such as bad education and poverty. In this essay I will discuss both points of view.

There are several important causes why people commit a crime. First of all, the shortage of the educational can lead to a crime. It is obvious that a good education allows to get a well-paid job. The second reason is poverty that can turn people in the criminals. So, the state has to create the work places and develop business. As a result it will decrease the unemployment and crime. Finally, it is a well-known fact that the maintenance of the jails and the police are very expensive for the state. In many cases, community service are more right sentence than a prison.

On the other hand, there are many evidence when rich and well-educated people commit the crimes. For instance, children from the rich families can take drugs. Their parents spend most of the time at work and don’t attend to their children in the enough extent. Moreover, last decades bring us new type of the fraud such as computer crimes. In this case one has to have a very good education for it. Furthermore, there are crimes such as murder, kidnapping and drug smuggling. It’s clear that these kinds of offences demand the serious punishment such as prison or even capital punishment.

In conclusion, I agree that firstly we have to understand causes of crime. In this case only we can decrease crime and create more safe society for our future generations.

[jenja]

Прошу покритиковать эссе.

Given:
282 words
To what extent -> analyze/discuss; convert to pros-cons essay pattern; support one side
Теперь имхо:
1) Стилистика/правописание
Первое предложение - не английская речь. Было бы ...in order to... ...means ...like ... should be used. Наверно было был лучше.
the jails and the police - the не надо
other think -> others think/the rest think
effect - не в тему
bad education - a bad education
causes - часто, можно roots, reasons, etc
the shortage of the educational - артикли и educational (???)
Все поинты - first of all, second, etc - лучше отдельными параграфами
to create the work places and develop business - to create the work places and TO develop A business
As a result it - As a result, it
it will decrease the unemployment - decrease - это когда что-то само уменьшается, а не уменьшает. reflective verb или как там его?
ед/мн.число местами не обозначено/артикли страдают
Moreover, last decades bring us ... - wrong tense
2) Структура
Меняем pattern на pros-cons модель - Is policy of force/Are coercive actions enough to put an end to crimes?
Нужно выделить свое отношение и поддержать его 2-3-мя поинтами, в конце дать противоположную точку зрения, в концовке - обобщить. У Вас - немного скомкано, поинты не выделены, концовка - завалена немного.

В целом - оригинальный ход мыслей, есть использование вводных фраз, нужно работать над стилистикой

[Alexander Usov]

Прошу оценить эссе.

Topic: In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the causes of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It’s not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Many people believe that in order to combat crime, the most effective means are the jails and the police. However, other think it’s better to effect on the causes of the misdeeds such as bad education and poverty. In this essay I will discuss both points of view.

There are several important causes why people commit a crime. First of all, the shortage of the educational can lead to a crime. It is obvious that a good education allows to get a well-paid job. The second reason is poverty that can turn people in the criminals. So, the state has to create the work places and develop business. As a result it will decrease the unemployment and crime. Finally, it is a well-known fact that the maintenance of the jails and the police are very expensive for the state. In many cases, community service are more right sentence than a prison.

On the other hand, there are many evidence when rich and well-educated people commit the crimes. For instance, children from the rich families can take drugs. Their parents spend most of the time at work and don’t attend to their children in the enough extent. Moreover, last decades bring us new type of the fraud such as computer crimes. In this case one has to have a very good education for it. Furthermore, there are crimes such as murder, kidnapping and drug smuggling. It’s clear that these kinds of offences demand the serious punishment such as prison or even capital punishment.

In conclusion, I agree that firstly we have to understand causes of crime. In this case only we can decrease crime and create more safe society for our future generations.

[Visitor]

Alexander,

Я обычно этим не занимаюсь, но вот от "балды" решила подкорректировать Ваш ответ на вопрос. Мои замечания (уж извиняйте, что строгие):

1. Вы пишите хоть и английскими словами, но "по-русски"... это довольно частое явление, т.к. не нэйтивам свойственно буквально переводить русские предложения на английский. Совет - читайте больше книг на английском - очень поможет правильно строить предложения.

2. Приводя свой пример ответа на вопрос, я пыталась оставаться как можно ближе к Вашим собственным ответам. Но хочу Вам сказать, что чёткая линия ответа в Вашем ессее отсуствует и мысли "блуждают". Старайтесь не перепрыгивать с одной мысли на другую и старайтесь чётче выражать свои мысли.

3. Следите за артиклями



Удачи на экзамене!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Topic: In order to reduce crime, we need to attack the causes of crime such as poverty and lack of educational opportunities. It’s not enough to simply have more police on the street and put more people into prison. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Many people believe that in order to combat crime, the most effective means are the jails and the police. However, other think it’s better to effect on the causes of the misdeed such as bad education and poverty. In this essay I will discuss both points of view.

Some people believe that the two most effective methods for reducing crime are the police force and jails. However, others think that the best way to fight rising levels of crime is to address the underlaying factors such as poor education and poverty.

There are several important causes why people commit a crime. First of all, the shortage of the educational can lead to a crime. It is obvious that a good education allows to get a well-paid job. The second reason is poverty that can turn people in the criminals. So, the state has to create the work places and develop business. As a result it will decrease the unemployment and crime. Finally, it is a well-known fact that the maintenance of the jails and the police are very expensive for the state. In many cases, community service are more right sentence than a prison.

There are several reasons that push people towards committing a crime in the first place. One of such reasons is inadequate education. It is obvious that a person with a solid education background is usually able to get a well paid job and lead a fairly high standard of life. Another reason that could potentially force a person towards committing a crime is poverty. While it is clearly the responsibility of each individual to find a job, strong government support is required to create more employment opportunities. Lowering levels of unemployment will lead to a decrease in levels of crime. Finally, it is a well known fact that there are high costs associated with maintenance of jails and the police force. In many cases, these costs can be reduced by substituting jail sentences with community service.

On the other hand, there are many evidence when rich and well-educated people commit the crimes. For instance, children from the rich families can take drugs. Their parents spend most of the time at work and don’t attend to their children in the enough extent. Moreover, last decades bring us new type of the fraud such as computer crimes. In this case one has to have a very good education for it. Furthermore, there are crimes such as murder, kidnapping and drug smuggling. It’s clear that these kinds of offences demand the serious punishment such as prison or even capital punishment.

On the other hand, there are many cases when well educated and wealthy people commit a crime. For example, children from wealthy families sometimes turn to drugs. This is often due to the fact that their parents spend a lot of time at work and do not have the time to look after their children. Moreover, computer-based crimes became very common over the last few decades. In order to commit an on-line fraud, in most cases a person has to be fairly computer literate and well educated. Furthermore, serious criminal offences such as murder, kidnapping and drug smuggling are blooming. It is obvious that such types of offences demand substantial punishment such as prison sentences or, in some circumstances, even harsher punishments such as capital punishment.

In conclusion, I agree that firstly we have to understand causes of crime. In this case only we can decrease crime and create more safe society for our future generations.

In conclusion, I’d like to stress just how important it is to understand the underlaying causes for people to commit a crime. If we have a full understanding as to why people commit certain crimes in the first place we would be able to address these underlaying causes and, as a result, build a safer society for our future generations.

[Alexander Usov]

Прошу покритиковать эссе.

Given:
282 words
To what extent -> analyze/discuss; convert to pros-cons essay pattern; support one side
Теперь имхо:
1) Стилистика/правописание
Первое предложение - не английская речь. Было бы ...in order to... ...means ...like ... should be used. Наверно было был лучше.
the jails and the police - the не надо
other think -> others think/the rest think
effect - не в тему
bad education - a bad education
causes - часто, можно roots, reasons, etc
the shortage of the educational - артикли и educational (???)
Все поинты - first of all, second, etc - лучше отдельными параграфами
to create the work places and develop business - to create the work places and TO develop A business
As a result it - As a result, it
it will decrease the unemployment - decrease - это когда что-то само уменьшается, а не уменьшает. reflective verb или как там его?
ед/мн.число местами не обозначено/артикли страдают
Moreover, last decades bring us ... - wrong tense
2) Структура
Меняем pattern на pros-cons модель - Is policy of force/Are coercive actions enough to put an end to crimes?
Нужно выделить свое отношение и поддержать его 2-3-мя поинтами, в конце дать противоположную точку зрения, в концовке - обобщить. У Вас - немного скомкано, поинты не выделены, концовка - завалена немного.

В целом - оригинальный ход мыслей, есть использование вводных фраз, нужно работать над стилистикой

Спасибо Вам за советы. Могу я у Вас уточнить, что вы имеете в виду об изменении стилистики. Я пытался написать эссе в стиле both sides of the argument(3,7,7,3). Использую источник http://www.writefix.com/argument/. Я уже не раз встречал, что при перечислении аргументов их лучше выносить в отдельные параграфы. Может есть разные школы написания эссе существуют ? А каким Вы пользуетесь материалом для написания эссе.

[Alexander Usov]

[quote="Visitor"]Alexander,

Я обычно этим не занимаюсь, но вот от "балды" решила подкорректировать Ваш ответ на вопрос. Мои замечания (уж извиняйте, что строгие):

1. Вы пишите хоть и английскими словами, но "по-русски"... это довольно частое явление, т.к. не нэйтивам свойственно буквально переводить русские предложения на английский. Совет - читайте больше книг на английском - очень поможет правильно строить предложения.

2. Приводя свой пример ответа на вопрос, я пыталась оставаться как можно ближе к Вашим собственным ответам. Но хочу Вам сказать, что чёткая линия ответа в Вашем ессее отсуствует и мысли "блуждают". Старайтесь не перепрыгивать с одной мысли на другую и старайтесь чётче выражать свои мысли.



3. Следите за артиклями



Удачи на экзамене!


quote]Болльшое спасибо за ответ. Мысли действительно блуждали в этом эссе, тема уж больно далека для меня. Ваша богатая лексика меня глубоко впечатлила. Хочу также!

[Visitor]

Болльшое спасибо за ответ. Мысли действительно блуждали в этом эссе, тема уж больно далека для меня. Ваша богатая лексика меня глубоко впечатлила. Хочу также!

Alexander,

Как я уже и писала, пытайтесь читать больше английской литературы - это вам поможет.

Удачи!

Спасибо за комплимент, но я просто в Австралии живу с детских лет. А вот по русски я пишу ГАРААААЗДО хуже (ошибка на ошибке)

[AndrewEA]

Посмотрите и мой "блокбастер". Могут за такое поставить 6?

+++

Благодаря новым технологиям многие рабочие места могут быть заменены компьютерами. Напишите несколько профессий, которые могут быть потеряны для людей. Ну и проблемы.

In the age of computer technology more and more jobs are replaced with PCs. Some people are afraid of losing their job positions. However others think that world will become more convenient for living. It is not an easy question to answer but in this essay I will try to look at this issue.

The fist position, that may be lost, is a language translator. It is not clandestine that computers are becoming more and more clever from year to year. Even in our days software exists which can translate from one language to another one as if it is made by human. Many people get into this development but a lot of them are able to lose their jobs because of that.

The second job position, that may be replaced with computer is programmer. I think, that in the future PC will be able to write program code independently, without human’s help. So, I suppose, it will be like in Azimov’s stories – ‘Robots make robots’, but instead robots will be programs for a while. PCs of future will write codes faster and easier that humans because they do not need powers of concentration, computers are concentrated and ready to work all the time.

A lot of people will lose job positions, Computers do not need anything except energy. So why employers should hire human which is needed in money and free time? With modern technology companies are able to get maximum feedback.

In conclusion I would like to say that it is too bad that many people can lose their jobs in the future. The only thing to do is to stop progress. But that is the catch. Who will try to stop it? I guess nobody.

[hell17]

Привет! Мое эссе тоже покритикуйте, плиз. На 6-6.5 потянет?

Тема:
Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in life.
Which do you consider to be the major influence?

The man is born with some parametrics, such as the health, habit of body, mental power and so on.Some people believe that the initial characteristics influence on our development and personality. But my point of view is that any experience in our life have much more impact. This essay will discuss whether human nature are depend on life experience.

First of all, people are learnt during whle their lives. From the birth the man learn how to move correctly, how to eat, how to read and another. All this can be learnt by one's life experience and not depent on characteristics.

Secondly, each time when we make a mistake, we try to analisys why does it happened and what should we do to prevent the same mistake. The learning from one's mistakes is called experience and our character is developeed according to it. For example, if a pupil prepared well and a teacher encourages his or her for their intelligence, this pupil will study the subject better in the future as he or she has a good experience.

In addition, parents have the greatest influence on their children personality as from the early ages they teach children every aspects of life. For example, parents explain to their children the meaning of bad and good things, and, according to this, child develops the positive or negative outlook on life.
In conclusion, I believe that the life experience has a great influence on our character and the man is never too old to learn.

Тема какая-то тупая, вот и никакие идеи в голову не лезли. По-моему, слабовато будет?

[jenja]

Могу я у Вас уточнить, что вы имеете в виду об изменении стилистики.

Я имел в виду - выбирать правильные pattern'ы взависимости от темы, и более четко выражать мысли - должен быть поинт и его доказательство. Источниками я пользовался разными, в том числе и ресурсом на gday'е, где-то на форуме я приводил ссылки, только это было большегода назад Удачи Вам, практика - это главное