My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Ahnissi]

Да, это ещё моё первое эссе "на скорость". Как говорится, первый блин комом...
Так что не пинайте ногами.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Да, это ещё моё первое эссе "на скорость". Как говорится, первый блин комом...
Так что не пинайте ногами.

Хорошо пишите! Ошибок в структуре практически нет, грамматика и структура предложений на очень хорошем уровне, хороший словарный запас, etc

Есть некоторая непоследовательность в BrE vs. AmE, но ничего серьезного. Например, в BrE - mum, AmE - mom. С другой стороны, вы используете слов pharmacy (у Вас, кстати, неправильный spelling) - BrE, а в AmE это обычно drug store. Но если будете сдавать в Малазии, то на это никто не будет обращать внимание.

Из 'серьезных' замечаний только одно: ...and here is why - абсолютно не к месту. Это не то выражение, которое надо употреблять в эссе.

[Ahnissi]

Хорошо пишите! Ошибок в структуре практически нет, грамматика и структура предложений на очень хорошем уровне, хороший словарный запас, etc

Есть некоторая непоследовательность в BrE vs. AmE, но ничего серьезного. Например, в BrE - mum, AmE - mom. С другой стороны, вы используете слов pharmacy (у Вас, кстати, неправильный spelling) - BrE, а в AmE это обычно drug store.

Ой, точно! Это меня с толку сбил малайский спеллинг. У них farmasi. Я это словечко чуть не каждый день вижу, примелькалось - и вот на тебе.

С BrE vs AmE у меня всегда были проблемы. Они мне попадаются на глаза и на слух с одинаковой частотой, поэтому предпочтений нет. Это действительно важно - использовать vocabulary одной страны?

Но если будете сдавать в Малазии, то на это никто не будет обращать внимание.

Насколько я знаю, здесь принимают только native speakers. По отзывам занимавшихся в BC, в основном бритиши и ирландцы, могут быть и австралийцы. Как Вы думаете, имеет смысл постараться выкинуть из лексикона американские слова дабы произвести лучшее впечатление?

Из 'серьезных' замечаний только одно: ...and here is why - абсолютно не к месту. Это не то выражение, которое надо употреблять в эссе.

Слишком неформально для эссе? Ок замётано, учту на будущее. Спасибо!

На один интересующий меня вопрос так и не ответили - за излишнее количество слов штрафуют?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

...

Насколько я знаю, в странах типа Малазии 'все перемешалось' в смысле AmE vs. BrE
На мелочи обычно не обращают внимание, а Вы в основном в любом случае пишите на BrE. Но лучше придерживаться BrE, особенно в spelling, в словах типа theatre/theater, labour/labor, specialise/specialise. Это на тот случай, если IELTS marker попадется conservative. After all, your job is to look after number one!

На один интересующий меня вопрос так и не ответили - за излишнее количество слов штрафуют?

Нет, если укладываетесь по времени.

[newjersey]

поржем, а то как то скучно тут стало. письмо владельцу магазина о том, что продавец обсчитал покупателя.

On the 17th October at approximately 3:30pm I purchased a copy of the Courier Mail and a packet of cigarettes from your shop. At the time, I had two $50 bills in my pocket and a $10 bill. Your shop assistant assumed I gave her a $20, even though it was not possible that I gave her $20. I had gone to your shop with two purposes, one to buy the Courier Mail, and second, to break a $50 bill so I would have smaller notes for later in the evening. My only reason for buying the cigarettes was because I felt it was unreasonable buying a $1 newspaper with a $50 bill ! I went to your shop with the express purpose of breaking one of the $50 bills into smaller denominations.

The shop assistant insisted I gave her a $20 bill. She says she was sure it was $20 because she pressed the $20 button, therefore it must have been a $20 bill. So apparently she could not have pressed the wrong button, or not been paying attention. I, however, sat in my office, took out the money in my pocket before leaving, looked at the two fifty dollar bills, and thought, “ I’d better go to the newsagent and break one of those or I’ll have no small denominations for tonight”, and decided to go to your shop to break one of them. Who do you think is more likely to have made a mistake? I was looking at two yellow bits of paper with $50 on them. What was your shop assistant looking at? Can she remember?

I hope you understand from the above, that I have absolutely NO doubt, NONE, that I gave your assistant $50. It was one of the reasons for visiting your shop! If I had a $20 bill, I would not have needed to break a $50, and I wouldn’t have bothered even buying the newspaper.

Having explained that to you, you can understand I was waiting expectantly for the shop assistants phone call last night to confirm her error. No phone call. My wife called in today and was told that in fact the shop assistants till had been under for the day, so according to them I was wrong and I had given a $20 bill. I find it strange they didn’t ring to tell me that, don’t you? Would it be because its very hard to lie to someone who KNOWS it’s a lie. I find it even stranger that I managed to give a $20 bill I didn’t have.

Can I just repeat, I had two $50 bills and a $10 when I entered your shop, I actually sat in my office before leaving and checked the money in my pocket, and that’s when I decided to buy a newspaper and cigarettes to break one of the fifties. I had NO $20 bill. When I left your shop, I had 1 $50, 1 $10, and the change your assistant gave me ($5 and some coins).

So there are only two possible explanations for this, neither of which is very nice. The first explanation is that your staff are so incompetent, that not only did they under change me to the value of $30, they then proceeded to over change every other customer so that the $30 profit they made from me was wiped out. Or the second, more likely, explanation, is that to cover their error, one of them pocketed the $30 difference.

To summarise. I went into your shop to break a $50 dollar bill, as I only had two $50 bills and a $10 bill. I bought a newspaper and cigarettes, so that my purchase would seem reasonable to hand over $50. I handed over $50. I got change from a $20. Your staff denied it was a $50 note. They promised to check their tills at the end of the day and call me. They didn’t. They told my wife the following day the till was actually under for yesterday. I think I’ve made my conclusions fairly clear on that, its either incompetence or theft.

I’m not going to lose any sleep over $30. I have no need to create a fuss about such an amount of money. But I do feel it my duty to warn all my work colleagues and friends (and hopefully they can warn all of their colleagues and friends) who work in the area of George Street to avoid your shop until you discover whether your staff are stealing from customers, or just incompetent.

[Aveilvi]

Добрый день, покритикуйте пожалуйста эссе и письмо. я через месяц собираюсь сдавать экзамен. Подскажите сколько за это могут поставить. Заранее спасибо

Many parents choose the future for their children. They support them financially and direct them inlife, sometimes igniring the real desires and abilities of a child. Should parents decide on the future of their children or is it the child who has made this decision? Give reasons for your answer.


It is known that parents all over the world want to make their children lifes better and easier than they have had. Nowadays, as a hundred years ago, parents always try to help their children when they choose their future professions. I almost support the topic statement that parents should decide on the future of their children.

First of all, adults are more experienced than youth. They have already made their careers. Elder generation orient in profession market better than young unexperienced people. According to the latest sociological researches, young people, who chose future professions with parents together, have been more successful in business than other ones, who ignored their parents advices in this matter. Therefore, parents’ experiences help youth to make good careers in future.

Secondly, parents have spent with their children for sixteen or eighteen years day by day. They have known their kids’ positive and negative characteristics, their opportunities and talents. Psychologists said that only parents have known real psychological portrait their children. Not only that, but youth tends to enlarge their opportunities and talents. In this case, it is very important to help children with making right choice in the future. So, parents should decide on their children future even sometimes ignoring their desires. The future will show that it is a right way.

Taking all these points into consideration I strongly believe that parents should decide on the future of their children because they are absolutely experienced people and they have known their children better than other people in the whole world.


Letter
You have lost your passport while staying in a foreign country. Write a letter to the embassy. Explain what has happened and enquire for some help. Ask all the relevant information, concerning your journey back home.


Dear Sir,
I am writing in connection with my passport that I have lost recently. I would kindly ask you to help me with my deal.
I came to France as a tourist five days ago. Yesterday I went to the cinema. The film was finished at 11 pm and I was very tired. When I came to my hotel room I realised that I had forgotten my bag in the cinema. My passport and my wallet were inside it. I immediately made a call to the cinema but they have not found my bag.
It would be grateful if you could inform me how I can get a new passport and what I have to do in this situation. I understand that my problem is very difficult. Therefore, I would appreciate it if you would send me all relevant information about my opportunities to come back home.
Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter. If you require any further information do not hesitate to contact me at any time. My phone number is 706543.
I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.
Yours faithfully,

[Ahnissi]

It is known that parents all over the world want to make their children (пропущено 's) lifes (lives) better and easier than they have had. Nowadays, as a hundred years ago, parents always try to help their children when they choose their future professions. I almost support the topic statement that parents should decide on the future of their children.

First of all, adults are more experienced than youth. They have already made their careers. Elder generation orient (замените другим словом) in profession (лучше заменить на job или labour) market better than young unexperienced people. According to the latest sociological researches, young people, who chose future professions with parents together (together и with parents лучше поменять местами), have been more successful in business than other ones (others), who ignored their parents advices in this matter. Therefore, parents’ experiences help youth to make good careers in future.

Secondly, parents have spent with their children for (лишнее) sixteen or eighteen years day by day. (Порядок слов в предложении лучше перестроить.) They have known their kids’ positive and negative characteristics (лучше написать qualities), their opportunities and talents. Psychologists said that only parents have known real psychological portrait (пропущно of) their children. Not only that, but youth tends to enlarge (неподходящее слово) their opportunities and talents. In this case, it is very important to help children with making right choice in the future. So, parents should decide on their children future even sometimes ignoring their desires. The future will show that it is a right way.

Taking all these points into consideration I strongly believe that parents should decide on the future of their children because they are absolutely (не к месту) experienced people and they have known their children better than other people in the whole world.

У Вас некоторая путаница со временами. Не бойтесь лишний раз употреблять простые формы времён, там где это уместно.
Ещё: в начале эссе вы пишите almost support, что подразумевает что в чём-то всё-таки приведённое мнение не поддерживаете, но потом нет никаких объяснений, почему almost.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in connection with my passport that I have lost recently. I would (лишнее) kindly ask you to help me with my deal (неверно употреблённой слово, подошло бы ordeal или problem).

I came to France as a tourist five days ago. Yesterday I went to the cinema. The film was finished at 11 pm and I was very tired. When I came to my hotel room I realised that I had forgotten my bag in the cinema. My passport and my wallet were inside it. I immediately made a call to the cinema but they have not found my bag.

It (должно быть I) would be grateful if you could inform me how I can get a new passport and what I have to do in this situation. I understand that my problem is very difficult. Therefore, I would appreciate it if you would (лишнее) send me all relevant information about my opportunities (лучше написать options) to come back home.

Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter. If you require any further information do not hesitate to contact me at any time. My phone number is 706543.
I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.
Yours faithfully,

В целом, у меня лучшие впечатления от письма, чем от эссе. На сколько потянет - ничего сказать не могу, в этом я не разбираюсь совершенно.

[Ahnissi]

поржем, а то как то скучно тут стало. письмо владельцу магазина о том, что продавец обсчитал покупателя.your

Ужас! Вы этот шедевр где откопали?
А вообще спасибо, новое для себя слово узнала!

[newjersey]

Ужас! Вы этот шедевр где откопали?
А вообще спасибо, новое для себя слово узнала!

на бритишах. хороший пример, привел для контраста - обратите внимание, что он не состоит из деревянных штампов on one hand/on the other hand. А то я гляжу, как тут начали "структуры" преподавать, тема стухла.

[Ahnissi]

на бритишах. хороший пример, привел для контраста - обратите внимание, что он не состоит из деревянных штампов on one hand/on the other hand. А то я гляжу, как тут начали "структуры" преподавать, тема стухла.

Ну за повторяемость ему бы точно баллы снизили, хоть и видно что нэйтив писал.
А вообще, мне нравится здоровое зубоскальство бритишей по поводу необходимости им сдавать IELTS, доказывая что "не верблюд".

[Aveilvi]

Ahnissi спасибо за комментарии. Может кто-то может высказаться по-поводу оценки хотя бы приблизительно? Через месяц мне уже сдавать

[gburanov]

Всем привет. Буду сдавать на IELTS 8 октября. Начал готовиться к writing (general section).

Прокритикуйте мои эссе (тема взял на этом же форуме). Заранее спасибо.

Письмо
СD плеер сломался через неделю после покупки. В магазине ничем не согли помочь. Пишем письмо призводителю, где указаываем, что призошло, что сказали в магазине и чего хотим.

Dear manufacturer,

Last week I have bought a CD player in a small shop in my city (I chose it because it got the lowest prices, but still it is the officcial dealer of your brand). Yesterday the CD player suddenly broke - it just does not work (as well as the red light on the front).

I have read the manual carefully before turning it on for the first time and after the accident, but it's not written about an issue there.

The shop said that this is a production issue and I must talk directly to the manufacturer, that's why I am writing to you now.

I need to notice that I obeyed all the rules of using this device, so that's not the damage caused by me for sure.

I hope that you will solve the situation and repair the device (or send me new one). Thank you very much in advance.

Regards,
Georgy

[gburanov]

Эссе

Во многих странах запрещено содержание домашних животных в квартире. Правильно это или нет?

In many countries there is a rule that prohibits people to keep house pets in flats. Let's talk about the advantages and disadvantages of the rule.

Of course some housepets are not for use in small flats of urban cities - althought they are called housepets. For example, big species of dogs, or dogs, that were created for hunting (or, moreover, for fighting, such as pitbull). Living in city flats, these animals produce stress both for themselves and for the people surrounding them. Some people are scared to let their children to play on the playground when there is a guy walking with his dog in the same place - and for good reason, it is not uncommon to read about the issues of dogs attaching the people, especially kids.

Moreover, some exotic pets are not suited to live in flats - for example spiders, iguanas, monkeys, etc. Keeping this sort of animals in the house people behave very egoistic - they do the harm to the animals only to be their pet for some time. Living in inappropriate conditions and eating inappropriate food (and it can be both complicated and expensive to find the correct one), the animals can easily feel ill, or even die.

On the other side, there are lot of researches showing that the housepets bring harmony to the stressful world of house flat. Feeding, touching and taking cake of pet reduces the risk of different illness, including insult. The people with pets generally feel themselves healthier then the people that don't have one.

Another point it that people with pets are more communicative and more responsible, because they have smb. to take care about.

Summarizing, my point is that housepets are acceptable (and even recommended for some type of persons) it they are really housepets. People must understand, that for many pets it is unappropriate or even dangerous to live in city flats.

[Katrinka]

Всем привет. Буду сдавать на IELTS 8 октября. Начал готовиться к writing (general section).

Прокритикуйте мои эссе (тема взял на этом же форуме). Заранее спасибо.

Письмо
СD плеер сломался через неделю после покупки. В магазине ничем не согли помочь. Пишем письмо призводителю, где указаываем, что призошло, что сказали в магазине и чего хотим.

Dear manufacturer,

Last week I have bought a CD player in a small shop in my city . I chose it because it got has the lowest prices, but still it is the officcial dealer of your brand. Yesterday the CD player suddenly broke down- it wouldn't power up (as well as the red light on the front).

I have read the manual thoroughly before turning it on for the first time and after the accident, but my situation isn't described in it.

The shop manger said that this is a manufacturer's issue and I should talk directly to the manufacturer, that's why I am writing to you now.

I'd like to emphasize that I followed all instructions, so the damage isn't caused by misuse.

I hope that you will be able to solve the problem and repair the device (or send me a new one). Thank you very much in advance.

Regards,
Georgy

[gburanov]

Спасибо, а какую бы оценку поставили в пределах погрешности?