My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[natalya_ielts]

natalya_ielts, я тут тоже только учусь, так что мои советы имеют весьма скромный вес. Позволю себе одно замечание: если тема приведена верно, то на мой взгляд она подразумевает Argument\Opinion эссе, у вас получилось Discussion. Если я не прав - поправьте меня.

sergey_taurus, спасибо за ответ. я не знаю, кто прав . я пыталась дать свое мнение, но поскольку нет в жизни готовых ответов на все вопросы, то рассмотрела разные стороны обеих позиций, и попыталась прийти к какому-то мнению...

меня больше интересует лексика и грамматика.

[Миндаль]

kwai, где сдавать будете?
У меня тоже в субботу экзамен в SI, за райтинг боюсь больше всего, разумеется.

По поводу эссе... Если оно действительно написано за 40 минут и спелл чек не проводился, то, я думаю, очень неплохо. Я так не напишу, хотя бы потому, что мне и по-русски непросто выразить свои мысли.

[kwai]

kwai, где сдавать будете?
У меня тоже в субботу экзамен в SI, за райтинг боюсь больше всего, разумеется.

По поводу эссе... Если оно действительно написано за 40 минут и спелл чек не проводился, то, я думаю, очень неплохо. Я так не напишу, хотя бы потому, что мне и по-русски непросто выразить свои мысли.

как же за сорок минут((... если бы)

не тверской сдавать буду. в какой то школе.

[vanilla]

Проверьте пожалуйста эссе. На эту тему на русском тоже многого бы не написала. Спасибо!
Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The issue of punishing a perpetrator with the most fair and appropriate retribution is a complex and controversial one. There have been numerous cases when murders were released for parole and innocents were pleaded guilty. This essay will examine if judicial system should have fixed charges for all citizens or every sentence might vary according to the motives for committing a crime.

There is a number of arguments for the fixed sentences. First of all, the Law System of every State has to provide general strict and established rules for society. Therefore, every person will be aware of the responsibility to obey the law or, otherwise, he/she will face consequences and to stand a trial. Secondly, in the case of established punishments there is a threat for people that penalty will be imposed inevitably and an offender will be prosecuted with a crime. It might prevent committing a misdeed in some situations. Third point is that State Judicial System has to be equal and has to provide fair penalties for all the citizens of the country.

However, many argue that every motive and reason of breaking the law is different. Therefore, some offenders might be acquitted in some cases. Furthermore, our moral duty is to be impartial. Ability to be lenient and forgiving can prove our humanity. Thus, every representative of the law system (judges, jury and witnesses) should be careful when meeting out the severe sentence.

In conclusion, although there are arguments for both points I believe that fixed retributions may prevent a number of crimes, they will make people more responsible. Thus, it will create more law-abiding society.

[gas]

Cool!

[sergey_taurus]

Всем привет,

Очередной "блин". Вроде как Argument\Opinion, но не уверен.
Пожалуйста, поругайте\похвалите Заранее огромное спасибо.

The topic is from IELTS Practice Test Plus 2

Modern societies need specialists in certain fields, but not in others.

Some people therefore think that governments should pay university fees for students who study subjects that are needed by society. Those who chose to study less relevant subjects should not receive government funding.

Would the advantages of such an educational policy outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Today society makes one qualifications more valuable than others. It is often claimed that students who apply for the economy driven specializations should be widely supported by governments. I tend to agree that this practice should bring significant benefits for modern economy as well as strong chances for future graduates to get an employment offer.

Firstly, supporting and encouraging students to apply for economy driven qualifications is one of the best ways to meet the current and future country needs. For example, according to recent development plans, my country in next few decades will need more mine and oil engineers rather than finance advisors. Thus, it is essential to attract a wide range of students today to have a reliable source of qualified labor force in future for these industries.

In addition, recent graduates who have gained a qualification in areas of demand will have better chances to get a job compared to others. For instance, from my university alumni most young oil refinery professionals got a full-time offer in next few months after graduation, while banking and finance workers have been experiencing problems even to get an internship up today. As a result, valuable qualifications might ensure a low unemployment rate in future which will have a positive effect in all areas of society.

To sum up, particular subjects, which are expected to be in demand today and in near future, would benefit society and provide an employment guarantee for young professionals. I personally believe that government support for selected qualifications today might result in a great progress tomorrow.


40 min, 250 words

[bmy]

Hello!
Check, please, my essay
The topic is exactly the same

Modern societies need specialists in certain fields, but not in others.

Some people therefore think that governments should pay university fees for students who study subjects that are needed by society. Those who chose to study less relevant subjects should not receive government funding.

Would the advantages of such an educational policy outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The last century was unprecedented in the number of occupations which were totally new to the public. Nowadays we have thousands of professions and this list is constantly growing. There are heated debates across the communities whether governments should regulate the process of education through incentives to students studying subjects on demand.

On the one hand, there are obvious advantages brought by the approach of active state role in a formation of a labor market. First, given that regulators have reliable statistical data, they can forecast the demand in specialists in one or another part of economy and support those students who study right subjects. Second, there are extremely important regions of human knowledge which do not give the immediate outcome and, therefore, do not attract enough young people with great abilities. Thus, providing additional funding, governments can increase the number of professionals in particular unpopular areas.

However, it was proven many times in human history that over regulation not only can be ineffective but, on the contrary, brings more disadvantages. For example, in Russia, in 1990s, there were a great number if students studying law, commerce, and other popular sciences. What is worse, the majority of them paid nothing for the education which resulted in a crowd of lawyers and accountants not working by their speciality. Thus, careless planning and unreliable statistics nullified all positive effects of a state policy.

Keeping in mind argument shown above, I personally believe that positive effects of a greater state role on jobs market still outweigh any drawbacks. Nevertheless, proven statistics and forecasting of trends in economy are essential for any government plan to succeed.

[SergShir]

Привет!
Приступаю к активной подготовке, покритикую завтра чье-нибудь творение, а пока вот мое.

You would like a temporary job working in a summer camp which runs sports and outdoor activities for children and young people next summer. Write a letter to the organisers of the summer camp. In your letter:
- explain what sort of job you would like to do.
- describe your personality.
- say what experience and skills you have


Dear Sir / Madam,
I am writing in response for your advertisement of temporary job in "Evening Post" last week. I am looking for such thing now and I would be happy if you can help me. Preferably, I would like a job connected to physical activities, for instance a trainer of team game like football, volleyball and so on. If it is impossible, I can work as a trainer of scouts.

I am a Russian national and I have been living here for last two years. I am a responsible person and I have good experience in training children.

As you can see from my curriculum vitae, I have a diploma of a teacher of physical trainings by a russian pedagogical university. Now I work as such a teacher in a local college. Next summer I will have a break because of holidays, so I will be opened for a temporary job.

I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Привет!
Приступаю к активной подготовке, покритикую завтра чье-нибудь творение, а пока вот мое.

Вы поняли меня слишком буквально. Я 'зла' на тех, кому здесь помогли получить хорроший результат, а они не горят желанием to give something back.

У Вас результатов еще нет, Вам еще не помогли добраться до цели, так что и спрашивать с Вас нечего. Пока нечего.

Теперь о Вашем письме. К сожалению, очень много ошибок. Да и ответ как то 'не английский'. Я имею ввиду, что ответ не учитывает англоязычные реалии с точки зрения как смысла, так и построения предложений. Чувствуется, что еще нет наработок и надо набивать руку.

В качестве примеров:




I am writing in response for your advertisement of temporary job in "Evening Post" last week

• respond to something or somebody
• a temporary job
• in 'The Evening Post'

I am looking for such thing now and I would be happy if you can help me. (help you with what? Are you applying for a job or asking for help?)
I've been looking for a similar position/ job and is very interested in applying

Preferibly, I would like a job connected to physical activities, for instance a trainer of team game like football, volleyball and so on.

I'm interested in coaching and organising sports teams as part of your summer camp activities.

If it is impossible, I can work as a trainer of scouts.
А scouts откуда взялись? В задании ничего подобного нет!
тренер - coach (in the given context. Trainer has a diffent meaning and usage)

As you can see from
my curiculum vitae, I have a diploma of a teacher of rhysical trainingsby a russian pedagogical university.
.... I'm a qualified sports/phycsical education teacher (все остальное не нужно) with 5 years of full-time experience in public and private schools. I've also been involved in development of extra-curriculum activities and organised volleyball and football team for secondary and high school students.

I will have a break because of holidays, so I will be opened for a temporary job
... Summer holidays and will be available for the temporary position advertised.


- describe your personality
I am a responsible person (ВСЕ? )

Надеюсь, идея понятна. Читать, читать и читать. Писать, писать и писать!

[Deniszb]

Всем доброго времени суток. Я буду рад любому замечанию касательное моего творения, особенно приветствуются критические.
Возможно кто-то даже сможет оценить на какую оценку стоит рассчитывать.

Technology progression has a negative impact on us. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

Humanity has radically transformed the Earth surface and environment since our first ancestor became upright. By using primitive tools and sage of the previous generations, mankind moved to combustion engine and nuclear fission. All these achievements seem to be only temporary milestones on the route to the eternal goal of civilization – the wild nature’s submission. Developing science and technology for the last century caused an unseen before prosperity (at least for the citizens of the developed countries). I believe if we hadn’t had modern medicine, public transportation, civil services and electricity then our race wouldn’t have been sustainable due to its dependency on outer natural processes, like droughts and contagious deceases.

However, it’s time we thought of the price mankind has to pay for the all technological advantages. Current dependency on fossil sources of energy and irresponsible attitude toward the mother nature have been badly affected diversity of life at our blue planet and in so doing decreased quality and reliability of ecological systems. Thus blossom of technology seems to be a formidable threat for the life on the Earth and sequentially to humanity.

There is a paradox between the inner eagerness of civilization to boost its science and technology level by pillaging of limited natural resources and the unbreakable dependence on the nature – we are merely part of the Wild. So I believe more holistic and comprehensive consideration should be given to this phenomenon.

From my point of view we should change our attitude to the nature in order to ease human’s burden on the Earth. There should be kind of encouraging to make big industrial companies follow environmental friendly approaches toward nature. By balance the conventional scientific development and the cherishing and pampering Mother-nature means the welcome the harmony of wholesome and sustainable human existence.

[SergShir]

Надеюсь, идея понятна. Читать, читать и читать. Писать, писать и писать!

Спасибо, идея вполне понятна! Только не понятно, как научиться так здорово оформлять идеи, я имею ввиду, что в вашем варианте использован весьма продвинутый язык, мне до такого еще расти, и я сомневаюсь, что смогу его набить тренировкой без повышения уровня языка.

И все же, Вы считаете, что письмо так плохо написано? Я просто писал его по аналогии с письмом из сборника "Focus on skills for IELTS foundation"

Вот эти фразы там точно были, я взял их как шаблоны:
Preferably, I would like a job...
As you can see from my curiculum vitae...

[SergShir]

Deniszb, сразу скажу, я не оч большой спец в английском, поэтому так моя имха в общих чертах, глядишь более опытные чем помогут. В целом, хороший словарный запас, значительное разнообразие, это плюс. Не могу сказать, насколько каждое из этих слов использовано правильно, но тенденция использования правила "less common words" налицо, это большой плюс. ТАкже наличествуют связки хорошие, что повысит fluency. Теперь о минусах.

Самый главный минус - это то, что в сочинении по сути дана только одна идея, которая обсасывается с разных сторон. вот она:

Thus blossom of technology seems to be a formidable threat for the life on the Earth and sequentially to humanity.

Причем не дано ни одного пояснения почему. Т.е. после главной идеи всегда должны идти условия, пояснения, что к чему и почему. Это мое имхо, почерпнутое с учебников по аелтсу. Здесь этого нет и это конкретный минус.

Моменты, которые вы могли отразить в сочинении:
- развитие технологии повышает вредные выбросы, что плохо влияет на здоровье людей: хуже иммунитет, аллергии, болезни;
- человек подвергается различным видам излучений и неизвестно, насколько это скажется в будущем;
- искусственные заменители еды, не несущие в себе полезных свойств: пищевая аллергия и т.д.


Ну и ваше мнение:
I believe if we hadn’t had modern medicine, public transportation, civil services and electricity then our race wouldn’t have been sustainable due to its dependency on outer natural processes, like droughts and contagious deceases.

Оно дано в первом абзаце без привязки к какой-либо идее. Т.е. получается, что ваше мнение имеет довольно опосредованное отношение вообще к теме, и не имеет логической целостности с остальным сочинением.

В целом, в сочинении надо выдвигать не менее 3 идей каких-то (у вас одна), пусть даже и глупых, но грамотно увязанных в логическую целостность.

Общее впечатление: непродуманное сочинение на хорошем языке. За непродуманность оценка будет сильно снижена. Результат предсказать затрудняюсь.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

И все же, Вы считаете, что письмо так плохо написано? ...

5.5 I think

Я просто писал его по аналогии с письмом из сборника "Focus on skills for IELTS foundation"

Вот эти фразы там точно были, я взял их как шаблоны:
Preferably, I would like a job...
As you can see from my curiculum vitae...

Ну и что. В русском языке тоже много шаблонов, и Вы не считаетесэ с тем что нужно говорить помимо шаблонов, как мысль выразить?

Preferably, I would like a job connected to physical activities - только не говорите мне, что выделенное это тоже часть 'шаблона'! Это чистой воды Runglish.

• I would like a job with your organisation
• I would like a job that can offer me challenges
• I would like a job in your field of research
• I would like a job that is relevant to/ is related to/answers/matches my experience/skills/level of expertise

etc

As you can see from
my curiculum vitae, I have a diploma of a teacher of rhysical trainingsby a russian pedagogical university.
Причем здесь шаблон? Кроме шаблона надо еще что-то сказать, чтобы оно звучало по английски.

As you can see from
my curiculum vitae, I'm a qualified sports/phycsical education teacher

и т.д.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Всем доброго времени суток. Я буду рад любому замечанию касательное моего творения, особенно приветствуются критические.
Возможно кто-то даже сможет оценить на какую оценку стоит рассчитывать.

Technology progression has a negative impact on us. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

Простите, но Ваше эссе написано на вольную тему и не имеет практически никакого отношения к заданной теме.

[Rosewell]

Где вы такие слова находите? Я ток в SciAm видел похожее. Это какая-то христоматия текстов?