My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Elena.D]

Yusik, прекрасно! Единственное, что я не поняла: в вопросе спрашивается: брать или не брать деньги с general public. Словарь говорит, что это - ordinary people in society, rather than people who are considered to be important or who belong to a particular group. А у Вас много очень ссылок на малоимущих, молодёжь, семьи с детьми, которые как раз являются particular groups rather than general public.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Should museums and art galleries be free of charge for the general public, or should a charge,
even a voluntary charge, be levied for admittance? Discuss this issue, and give your opinion.

Я Вам только одно скажу: не будет так вопрос сформулирован на IELTS.

IELTS, это вот эта формулировка:

Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

A дальше решать Вам.

[zerotol2005]

[QUOTE=Yusik;4943454]Should museums and art galleries be free of charge for the general public, or should a charge,
even a voluntary charge, be levied for admittance? Discuss this issue, and give your opinion.

Текст задания приведен не полностью. Скорее всего была фраза про примеры.

1. Introduction
- Большинство преподавателей сходятся во мнении, что не надо писать Outline. По крайней мере доп. баллов за это не получите.
- Нет Вашего мнения во введении.
2. Body paragraph 2 - показался слабым. Вначале идет мысль про всеобщее достояние, последнее предложение не вяжется с этой идеей.
Не понял фразу "to be able to communion art"
3. Conclusion - запороли. Не должно быть в нем новых мыслей, только Summary, а Вы туда еще и пример добавили.
4. Ваше мнение явно так и не выражено.
5. Пунктуация
- перед because запятые не ставятся
- "In my essay, .."
6. Vocabulary- на уровне, используются выражения и связки подходящие к топику

P.S. Выражаю только свое мнение. Естественно, может быть несогласие по некоторым пунктам. Тем более, что детальные требования к IELTS не раскрываются организаторами

[Yusik]

Yusik, прекрасно! Единственное, что я не поняла: в вопросе спрашивается: брать или не брать деньги с general public. Словарь говорит, что это - ordinary people in society, rather than people who are considered to be important or who belong to a particular group. А у Вас много очень ссылок на малоимущих, молодёжь, семьи с детьми, которые как раз являются particular groups rather than general public.

Спасибо, Вы мне льстите))
С General people наверно на самом деле скользкий момент, но с другой стороны, ведь не определено, кому они противопоставляются.

[Yusik]

[QUOTE=zerotol2005;4943802]

Текст задания приведен не полностью. Скорее всего была фраза про примеры.

Это уже сложнее. Нужны примеры, которые всем знакомы, или можно придумать что-то про музеи в своем городе?

- Большинство преподавателей сходятся во мнении, что не надо писать Outline. По крайней мере доп. баллов за это не получите.

[F&#111&#110<b></b>T<b></b>&#61&quot]Outline - это в смысле план или фраза типа. In my essay I will examine both points of view and try to decide which one is right.?
[/FONT]

План ведь пишется на отдельном листе, черновике?

Нет вашего мнения во введении.

В эссе типа Discuss разве оно нужно?

Не понял фразу "to be able to communion art"

Я хотела сказать "приобщиться к искусству"

Если что, пример с сайта Dominic Cole, sample essay: http://www.dcielts.com/ielts-essays/sample-essay-museums/

[zerotol2005]

[QUOTE=Yusik;4943919]

Это уже сложнее. Нужны примеры, которые всем знакомы, или можно придумать что-то про музеи в своем городе?

Можете выдумать, никто проверять не будет

[QUOTE=Yusik;4943919]

Outline - это в смысле план или фраза типа. In my essay I will examine both points of view and try to decide which one is right.?

Именно эта фраза в Вашем Introduction

[Yusik]

Вот еще одно эссе, прошу покритиковать

Developed countries have created many environmental problems in the
World, particularly in their contribution to global warming.
What can be done to reduce the dangers of global warming?

Plan
1 rephrase
2 what can do governments – reduce pollution from cars and factories
3 what plain people can do – recycle rubbish, use public transport
4 summary

Last times our planet suffers from pollution and climate changes and industrially developed countries are the main culprits of these problems. Due to this, they should make their best to deal with this damage.

Of course governments of leading world countries are the ones who are in charge of fulfilling environmental policy. The main source of carbon dioxide pollution and other types of pollution is with no doubt large industrial companies – plants and factories, especially ones engaged with oil refining. Obviously, there is no possible way for ordinary people to affect them; it is mission for government which should change legislation in order to make industrial magnates to take care about environment by establishing high penalties for discharging of unfiltered waste. Another causer of greenhouse gases emissions is cars, number of which has increased in last fifty years. To deal with it, government can, on one hand, set taxes for using private cars, and, on other hand, develop convenient system of public transport including electric drive vehicles. These measures will encourage people to use public transport instead of private, and it will result in decreased number of cars on the streets and reduced amount of carbon dioxide emission.

Nevertheless, ordinary citizens are also responsible for taking measures in order to keep environment clean. There are some simple rules everyone should follow in order to diminish harm to nature. First, as already was mentioned above, it is recommended to refuse from using private car without necessity and give preferences to public transport. In case if it is a must to purchase own car, there is an option nowadays to choose ecology-friendly car, like hybrid electric vehicle. Second simple step for people to lessen their impact on nature is to reduce amount of energy used for home heating. This can be implemented by improving isolation of house which enable reduce a heat loss by twenty-five percent. The third way to protect environment from pollution is to sort and recycle household waste. For example, secondary use of glass containers can save huge amount of energy for their manufacturing and avoid concomitant greenhouse gases emission.

Thereby, it is a mission for both governments to implement environment-friendly policy and for ordinary citizens to remember about their role in protecting nature.

[Elena.D]

During the twentieth century, the atmosphere
warmed by 0.5° Celsius, a trend that is expected
to continue. Growing evidence suggests that human
activities, such as burning fossil fuels, have contributed
to global warming.

Developed countries are responsible
for more than three-quarters of the greenhouse
gas emissions already in the atmosphere. And the
largest increases were definitely from energy supply,
industry and transport in those countries. Replacing fossil fuels
with energy sources that do not emit greenhouse
gases is an effective way to slow down global warming cased
by developed countries.

Changing the basis of our energy system, however,
is beyond the power of individuals. Governments,
backed by public support, must take a
leading role in achieving the large-scale changes
needed to substantially reduce emissions in developed world.
In fact, government policies must support reductions
in emissions at manufacture’s sides. As an example, course
of action should be designed
to limit emissions from power stations and transport
to achieve reductions in national emissions in developed countries.

In addition, research and development must be done to reduce
the cost and dramatically increase the output
of energy from renewables. Governments economically
advantaged countries could and need to
invest large amounts of money and provide incentives
for the private sector to do the same.

Lastly, governments of leading countries
should provide information about why and how
quickly emissions must be reduced, which is necessary
to achieve sufficient public support. No doubt,
transnational companies with
vested interests in fossil fuels will not welcome the
changes. People living in developed countries
will worry about electricity costs,
job losses and export earnings.
Hense, officials have more power for propaganda in developed
countries via television, newspapers and advertisement.

To sum up, climate-friendly energy technologies are
important to avoid dangerous
climate change cases by economically developed countries.
The world needs to fuel economic
growth in developed countries (and developing, also)
with energy that is available, affordable and sustainable.

[Elena.D]

Yusik,
high penalties for discharging of unfiltered waste - тут не вейст, а эмишен? Или раскройте подробнее, как мусор связан с двуокисью кислорода.

[Yusik]

Yusik,
high penalties for discharging of unfiltered waste - тут не вейст, а эмишен? Или раскройте подробнее, как мусор связан с двуокисью кислорода.

Наверно да, emission подходит лучше. Я просто обобщила и написала о всех отходах.

[od1n]

Вот еще одно эссе, прошу покритиковать

Developed countries have created many environmental problems in the
World, particularly in their contribution to global warming.
What can be done to reduce the dangers of global warming?

Plan
1 rephrase
2 what can do governments – reduce pollution from cars and factories
3 what plain people can do – recycle rubbish, use public transport
4 summary

Last times (что такое last times?) our planet suffers from pollution and climate changes and industrially developed countries are the main culprits of (очень сильно подозреваю, что предлог не тот) these problems. Due to this, they should make their (допустимо ли their здесь?) best to deal with this damage.

Of course (comma) governments of leading world countries are the ones who are in charge of fulfilling environmental policy. The main source of carbon dioxide pollution and other types of pollution is with no doubt (связка про очевидность в этом месте усложняет чтение) large industrial companies – plants and factories, especially ones engaged with oil refining. Obviously, there is no possible way for ordinary people to affect them (а кто спрашивал про обычных человеков? зачем этот факт?); it is (a) mission for government which should change legislation in order to make industrial magnates to take care about environment (придаточное далеко от зависимого уехало, читаю как take care ... by) by establishing high penalties for discharging of unfiltered waste. Another causer of greenhouse gases emissions is cars, number of which has increased in (the?) last fifty years. To deal with it, government can, on (the) one hand, set taxes for using private cars, and, on (the) other hand, develop convenient system of public transport including electric drive vehicles. These measures will encourage people to use public transport instead of private, and it will result in decreased number of cars on the streets and reduced amount of carbon dioxide emission. (вопрос был про глобальное потепление, а тут про какие-то диоксиды и загрязнения. Связь может быть логически неочевидной без явного указания, что глобальное потепление обычно вызвано тем и тем)

Nevertheless, ordinary citizens (что-то меня коробит это выражение, точно ли оно употребляется?) are also responsible for taking measures in order to keep environment clean. There are some simple rules everyone should follow in order to diminish harm to nature. First, as already was mentioned above, it is recommended to refuse from using private car without necessity and give preferences to public transport. In case if it is a must to purchase own car, there is an option nowadays to choose ecology-friendly car, like (a) hybrid electric vehicle. (the) Second simple step for people to lessen () their impact on nature is to reduce amount of energy used for home heating. This can be implemented by improving isolation of house which enable reduce a heat loss by twenty-five percent. (для чего это цифра?) The third way to protect (разве про защиту вопрос был?) environment from pollution is to sort and recycle household waste. For example, secondary use of glass containers can save huge amount of energy for their manufacturing and avoid concomitant greenhouse gases emission. (такое ощущение, что другим человеком написано, с гораздо менее серьезным вокабуляром. )

Thereby, it is a mission for both governments to implement environment-friendly policy and for ordinary citizens to remember about their role in protecting nature. (но вопрос был про уменьшение!)

запятые местами пропущены. Я бы указал в интро, что решение проблемы лежит и на правительстве, и на смертных людях, что будет кратким аутлайном для эссе. Оценку не даю, потому что не умею.

[od1n]

During the twentieth century, the atmosphere warmed by 0.5° Celsius, (--, нельзя основы лепить без зависимости) a trend that is expected to continue. Growing evidence (растущее доказательство? чего? ) suggests that human activities, such as burning fossil fuels, have contributed to global warming.
(во вступлении не хватает перехода к вопросу, только описание контекста есть)

Developed countries are responsible for more than three-quarters (потолковые числа?) of the greenhouse gas emissions already (?) in the atmosphere. And (плохая привычка - and в начале) the largest increases (увеличение чего?) were definitely (прям таки определенно?) from energy supply, industry (comma) and transport in those countries. Replacing fossil fuels with energy sources that do not emit greenhouse gases (но ведь бензин не источает газы) is an effective way to slow down global warming cased (caused) by developed countries.

Changing the basis of our (кто такие мы?) energy system, however, is beyond the power of individuals. Governments, backed by public support, must (прям должны?) take a leading role in achieving the large-scale changes needed to substantially reduce emissions in developed world. In fact, government policies must (прям должны?) support reductions in emissions at manufacture’s sides. As an example, course of action (что это?) should be designed to limit emissions from power stations and transport
to achieve reductions in national emissions in developed countries.

(уже много повторов emissions, developed countries, reductions)

In addition, research and development must be done to reduce the cost and dramatically (если несущественно увеличат, то на кол всех посадить или отвергнуть исследования?) increase the output of energy from renewables. Governments (of?) economically advantaged (не уверен, что со странами это соотносится) countries could and need to invest large amounts of money (куда?) and provide incentives for the private sector to do the same.

Lastly, governments of leading countries should provide information about why and how (простецкая формулировка) quickly emissions must be reduced (кому предоставлять? зачем? что это вообще такое?), which is necessary to achieve sufficient public support. No doubt (с чего бы? теории заговоров?), transnational companies with vested interests in fossil fuels will not welcome the changes. People living in developed countries
will worry about electricity costs, job losses and export earnings. Hense, (hence) officials have more power for propaganda in developed countries via television, newspapers and advertisement. (последние три предложения тут вообще каким образом и зачем??)

To sum up, climate-friendly energy technologies are important to avoid dangerous climate change cases by economically developed countries. The world needs to fuel economic growth in developed countries (and developing, also) with energy that is available, affordable and sustainable. (стойкое ощущение, что outro не соответствует содержанию эссе)

тут могло бы получиться хорошее нестандартное эссе, но это достаточно сложно. В итоге всё стало только ещё хуже относительно стандартного шаблона ответа на вопрос. Посоветовал бы более объективно выражать мысли, а также нарабатывать синонимы.

[Elena.D]

od1n, Спасибо большое! Пошла думать

[od1n]

Elena.D, Yusik, товарищи, если вы здесь всерьез и надолго, то есть смысл возродить вандерлеевскую игру по написанию эссе. Ваши мысли по этому поводу?

[Elena.D]

od1n, а что это такое?
Я за любой кипишь, лишь бы не спать