My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Maimiti_Isabella]

If nothing else works, it's time for drastic measures

Punctuation Rules

[andriko]

Здраствуйте, покритикуйте пожалуйста мое ессе, спасибо

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

Over the past few decades, the job market for teenagers has changed significantly. Despite the fact that the experienced worker is priceless these days, some employers still prefer to hire students, because they are open-minded and willing to experiment with new ideas. It is definitely worth mentioning that some people criticize this practice, while others, including myself, profoundly believe that part-time work for students is an excellent opportunity to obtain job experience. In my opinion, a teenager, who combines high school schedule with a temporary job, would be more responsible in the future; however, the disadvantages of this method should not be forgotten.

First and foremost, the working student learns about the most important aspect of life – the real value of money and how difficult it is to save money. Furthermore, one of the biggest concerns is - wasting money on useless/frivolous items, such expensive/costly smartphones or other modern devices. Therefore, as soon as a student realizes the importance of keeping a budget, he or she becomes more financially independent from parents and self-confident as an adult.

Secondly, the practical knowledge and additional experience, gained from a part-time job, will be a major advantage in searching a full-time job as an adult. In addition, some employers prefer to hire high-school students, for many of them are ambitious, talented individuals and can think critically and thus may bring some brilliant, new ideas to the company. Furthermore, teenagers have a flexible work schedule on weeknights and weekends.

However, fewer hours/less time spent on studying has dozens of drawbacks. For instance, the working student may not have enough time to meet friends or even to prepare for some exams. In my opinion, person, who wants to combine work and university, should understand this fact and make decision thoughtfully/carefully.

In conclusion, I think that the teenagers, who sacrifice their leisure time, will become more reliable in the future as workers. This type of personal growth will be crucial for our society to flourish.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

In conclusion, I think that the teenagers, who sacrifice their leisure time, will become more reliable in the future as workers.

http://www.gday.ru/forum/ielts/45491...ml#post4925531

[Maimiti_Isabella]

useless/frivolous items,
fewer hours/less time
thoughtfully/carefully.

Скажите, пожалуйста, в каком из пособий по написанию эссе или в официальных пособиях по подготовке к IELTS Вы нашли подобное?

[andriko]

Я не знаю или не уверен какое из етих слов подходит тутю На екзамене писал бы первый вариант, поэтому прошу покритиковать. Написал таким образом исключительно для форума.

[Motya]

If nothing else works, it's time for drastic measures

Punctuation Rules

Спасибо!
Читаю файл - все ясно, по полочкам разложено. Пытаюсь исправить в своем эссе - начинаю сомневаться. Буду думать дальше.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Спасибо!
Читаю файл - все ясно, по полочкам разложено. Пытаюсь исправить в своем эссе - начинаю сомневаться. Буду думать дальше.

Don't worry. Когда я буду исправлять, станет понятнее.

Скорее всего проверю завтра, но может еще и сегодня получится, попозже.

Через Личные сообщения, как и говорила.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Я не знаю или не уверен какое из етих слов подходит тутю На екзамене писал бы первый вариант, поэтому прошу покритиковать. Написал таким образом исключительно для форума.

У Вас не хватает сообщений для доступа к Личным Сообщениям. Набирайте 10, а там и 'поговорим'.

[andriko]

У Вас не хватает сообщений для доступа к Личным Сообщениям. Набирайте 10, а там и 'поговорим'.

Хорошо, спасибо большое

[andriko]

Отдельное спасибо, за файлик с правилами пунктуации

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Хорошо, спасибо большое

Check you personal messages

[Maimiti_Isabella]

I've got about half an hour to spare so the first essay that finds its way into my personal messages will be checked right now.

[Алина999]

Здравствуйте! Буду очень благодарна, если направите в правильное русло. Это мое самое первое эссе, писала по шаблону Райна, пока и это дается сложно и занимает много времени)

Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with the growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Do you agree or disagree?

In today’s world young people’s violent behavior has grown. We regularly hear about the next incident out of the media or our acquaintances. But I disagree that the reason of youth’s violence is media. From my point of view, violence can be caused by another reason, such as mental disaster or stressful ambience in the family which individual was growing up.

The first cause of young people’s violence can be psychological disorders, which might be obtained from birth or acquired in adolescence. For example, such diseases could be caused by exceeding passion to computer games which consist of elements of cruelty. A young unsettled mind soaks that type of fierce actions and can perceive it as norm. From this it becomes quite evident that young person who doesn’t watch TV or uses other media but involved in computer games is capable of commitment inhuman act.

The second reason of youth’s cruel behavior can be domestic violence which could be observed by child. If parents had altercations, controversies with application of physical strength it could be an example of conduct for a child. And I can propose an assumption that in such families a probability that young person will be able for violence is higher than person who was growing up in a family with warm relationships. Thus it also refutes a statement that violent media is the fundamental root of violence among young people.

Taking all these points into consideration, I would say that media is not the one main reason of increasing violence among young people. We also have to consider another nowadays factors, so the main idea of media culpability cannot be supported. To avoid such problems, we need to concern about surroundings, in which children are, and their interests and hobbies as well.

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Здравствуйте! Буду очень благодарна, если направите в правильное русло. Это мое самое первое эссе, писала по шаблону Райна, пока и это дается сложно и занимает много времени)

Violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with the growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Do you agree or disagree?

In today’s world young people’s violent behavior has grown. We regularly hear about the next incident out of the media or our acquaintances. But I disagree that the reason of youth’s violence is media. From my point of view, violence can be caused by another reason, such as mental disaster or stressful ambience in the family which individual was growing up.

The first cause of young people’s violence can be psychological disorders, which might be obtained from birth or acquired in adolescence. For example, such diseases could be caused by exceeding passion to computer games which consist of elements of cruelty. A young unsettled mind soaks that type of fierce actions and can perceive it as norm. From this it becomes quite evident that young person who doesn’t watch TV or uses other media but involved in computer games is capable of commitment inhuman act.

The second reason of youth’s cruel behavior can be domestic violence which could be observed by child. If parents had altercations, controversies with application of physical strength it could be an example of conduct for a child. And I can propose an assumption that in such families a probability that young person will be able for violence is higher than person who was growing up in a family with warm relationships. Thus it also refutes a statement that violent media is the fundamental root of violence among young people.

Taking all these points into consideration, I would say that media is not the one main reason of increasing violence among young people. We also have to consider another nowadays factors, so the main idea of media culpability cannot be supported. To avoid such problems, we need to concern about surroundings, in which children are, and their interests and hobbies as well.

У вас очень неплохой английский но ... Откуда эта тема, т.е. из какого учебника/пособия??

[Алина999]

У вас очень неплохой английский но ... Откуда эта тема, т.е. из какого учебника/пособия??

Тему взяла из пособия Ryan t. Higgins "How to write at 9 level", она приводилась в качестве примера для упражнения.