My essay, проверьте, покритикуйте! Спасибо!

[Mrs X]

Mrs X,
попробуйте через анонимайзер, например этот Анонимайзер Хамелеон

он попробовал - сказал что выдает такое -
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[Antonn]

Уважаемые форумчане, прошу вашей критики моего эссе. На последнем экзамене за writing получил 6.0. Хочется узнать, что не так с моими сочинениями.

Should sports classes be sacrificed in High Schools so students can concentrate on academic subjects? Give your own opinion and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some people believe that sport classes should be canceled in High Schools, so that students would have more time for studying. However, I totally disagree with this opinion because sport is very beneficial for students health and helps to harmoniously develop them.

The main reason why I believe sport classes improve students' health is because they spend some time in active way. In this case they do not just sit and listen to a tutor, but move actively, doing some exercises. Even researches prove that if people proceed doing physical exercises regularly, then their health will be much better compared to those ones, who do not do it. To illustrate, in my school there was an experimental class, where sport classes were replaced by additional academic subjects. By the time we graduated, these students did not achieve any notable academic results, but most of them had obvious problems with health.

Besides, we should not forget that physical trainings are crucial for harmonious development of students. No one denies importance of academic subjects, but a person should be fit and active as well. Society does not need a person, who is brilliant but cannot use intelligence because of serious problems with health. If students are both intelligent and physically developed, then they will be successful and bring the maximum benefit to society. Thus, harmonious development of students is only possible with sport classes.

In conclusion, I am absolutely convinced that sport classes are necessary in High Schools as they allow students to maintain health and develop their bodies. Given this situation, I would even propose to increase the number of sport classes' hours in order to achieve the maximum effect.

На какую примерно оценку потянет такое творение?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Уважаемые форумчане, прошу вашей критики моего эссе. На последнем экзамене за writing получил 6.0. Хочется узнать, что не так с моими сочинениями.

Should sports classes be sacrificed in High Schools so students can concentrate on academic subjects? Give your own opinion and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some people believe that sport classes should be canceled in High Schools, so that students would have more time for studying. However, I totally disagree with this opinion because sport is very beneficial for students' health and helps to harmoniously develop them.

....

На какую примерно оценку потянет такое творение?

Если честно, но не на какую. Вы откуда-то выудили тему, которая сформулирована совсем не по канонам IELTS, a скорее напоминает TOEFL. Соответственно непонятно как писать - как IELTS или как TOEFL?

И, кстати, вопрос. Вы считаете, что авторы темы совершили ошибку написав sports и решили эту ошибку исправить в своем эссе? Так вот, смею вас уверить , что надо писать sports - это чуть ли не единственное прилагательное которое законно употребляется во множественном числе (существуют и другие, но там все будет основано исключительно на контексте)

И в качестве 'бонуса' - изучите правила пунктуации в relative clauses. У вас с этим явные проблемы.

Если рассматривать английский в отдельности от всего остального, то я бы сказала, что 6.5

[Madex]

привет!

вот понаписала для IELTS General, сдаю в июне. Разнесите в пух и прах, пожалуйста, Ryan'у стыдно сабмитить.

Огромное спасибо!


Large shopping malls are replacing small shops. What is your opinion about this?
In today’s money driven world people more often gravitate towards material items. And to no surprise, shopping has already become a hobby for many young people. The idea of large shopping centres replacing tiny local shops is supported and refuted by many. Both views will be analysed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.
On the one hand, shopping centres provide the great diversity of product available at the same location. To illustrate, Macquarie shopping centre in Sydney suggests its visitors everything starting from food to furniture, while local shops are having a limited variety of items sold. Therefore the convenience of having all required products at hand cause people to prefer shopping centres to local shops. Because of this it is easy to see why the idea of shopping centres to replace little kiosks has garnered support.
On the other hand, building large shopping centres may be detrimental to small and medium business. Tiny shop owners may not always afford paying high rent at the shopping centre so their spots will be taken by large wealthy companies. For instance, average rate for a commercial spot at Macquarie Shopping centre is twenty thousand AUD which appears prohibitively expensive for any small business owners. This fact that shopping centres hinder healthy competition make lots of people to take a stance against them.
Taken from another standpoint, large shopping malls are also known for providing a number of facilities apart from shopping. For example, Macquarie shopping centre has an ice rink. Meaning, parents may leave their children to have fun there while they do shopping. Consequently, the convenience of buying things at shopping centre cannot be argued. From this it becomes quite evident why more and more people prefer buying things at shopping centers instead of local shops.
To summarize, both aspects of the fact that large shopping centres replace small shops. I am of the opinion, on balance, that the benefits of large shopping centres to take over tiny shops fully outweigh disadvantages and people would continue to prefer the convenience of shopping malls to the location of shops nearby. After analyzing the subject both camps it is predicted that the number of shopping centres in the world will be ever-increasing which is a good fact though.

[Madex]

кстати, давно такие темы в IELTS уже практикуют. Когда в прошлый раз заваливала writing была тема с подобной структурой, про historic buildings.

[illi4]

Large shopping malls are replacing small shops. What is your opinion about this?

[Maimiti_Isabella]

Large shopping malls are replacing small shops. What is your opinion about this?

Какой же Вы непонятливый в самом деле!

Вам же сказали, что "кстати давно такие темы в IELTS уже практикуют"

[Madex]

Large shopping malls are replacing small shops. What is your opinion about this?

вот это я понимаю, результат

[Shtuchka]

Есть вопрос. Понимаю конечно что у всех разние стратегии в достижении высокого балла, но всеже...
Introduction. Как вы считаете, стоит ли давать своё личное мнение в интро, или стоит написать It is believed that/It is often agreed that. А в conclusion написать уже I am of the opinion /I completely agree/disagree
Видела у некоторых преподавателей такую стратегию, но не совсем понимаю ее плюсы. Если спрашивается In what extent do YOU agree or disagree?

[Madex]

Есть вопрос. Понимаю конечно что у всех разние стратегии в достижении высокого балла, но всеже...
Introduction. Как вы считаете, стоит ли давать своё личное мнение в интро, или стоит написать It is believed that/It is often agreed that. А в conclusion написать уже I am of the opinion /I completely agree/disagree
Видела у некоторых преподавателей такую стратегию, но не совсем понимаю ее плюсы. Если спрашивается In what extent do YOU agree or disagree?

На самом деле суть discussion в том, что нужно рассуждать прежде чем прийти к выводу, поэтому давать свое мнение в начале - нелогично. стандартный outline - "both sides of the argument will be analysed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn". В интродакшен можно сделать намек на мнение типа: "On the face of it the advantages seem most apparent, but could there be a downside to this as well?"

Хотя я никак не сдам выше 6,5...

[illi4]

Есть вопрос. Понимаю конечно что у всех разние стратегии в достижении высокого балла, но всеже...
Introduction. Как вы считаете, стоит ли давать своё личное мнение в интро, или стоит написать It is believed that/It is often agreed that. А в conclusion написать уже I am of the opinion /I completely agree/disagree
Видела у некоторых преподавателей такую стратегию, но не совсем понимаю ее плюсы. Если спрашивается In what extent do YOU agree or disagree?

Читайте задание внимательно. Если в задании написано "Discuss both these views and give your own opinion" - то это и нужно делать (обсудить в параграфах обе точки зрения и дать своё мнение после).

Если в задании написано "To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience" - отвечаем на вопрос сразу в introduction.

Зачем велосипед изобретать?

[Тина]

Читайте задание внимательно. Если в задании написано "Discuss both these views and give your own opinion" - то это и нужно делать (обсудить в параграфах обе точки зрения и дать своё мнение после).

Если в задании написано "To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience" - отвечаем на вопрос сразу в introduction.

Зачем велосипед изобретать?

Плюс поищите на форуме - буквально недавно кто-то поднимал такую же тему в отдельной теме.

[Тина]

Я как всегда с очередным эссе.
Буду ОЧЕНЬ благодарна любым комментариям и любой критике.
Если сможете оценить на какой балл потянет эссе - отдельное огроменное спасибо!

In many countries, old or traditional languages are dying out or being forgotten, especially by younger people. Is this an acceptable development which occurs inevitably, or is it something which we should try to prevent?

Over the last few decades a number of endangered languages has grown significantly. There are different opinions with regard to the question of whether dying languages is a normal tendency, which cannot be deterred or people should conserve as many languages as possible. This essay will analyse both questions before a logical conclusion is drawn.

Unfortunately, a soaring number of local dialects are dying out nowadays, because of their useless. Local people prefer speaking more wide-spread and understandable languages and forget their mother tongues. Moreover, it is commonly believed that if a child learn two languages simultaneously, they would not master any of them fully that can be a hindrance of successful future life. For instance, in the communities of immigrants in the USA, many parents avoid even speaking their mother tongue with their children in order to encourage them to study English better. As a result, there are less and less people speaking different languages that leads to their lose.

However, people should try to prevent language dying, because with the lost languages the cultures disappear as well. Ancestors all over the world encoded their genius in languages. In addition, languages has always been conveyers of traditions, stories and songs. The overwhelming majority of myths and rituals are also hidden in the folklores of the cultures. Thus, without language there will be no culture. Hence, people should save as many languages as possible in order to save their cultures and traditions.

In conclusion, it seems obvious that many languages are lost and continue to die. Nevertheless, it is mankind that should have a considerable contribution to languages revival. It is the only way to retain not only the cultures of nations, but also the exhaustive knowledge about their roots for posterity.

[illi4]

Тина, имхо:

In many countries, old or traditional languages are dying out or being forgotten, especially by younger people. Is this an acceptable development which occurs inevitably, or is it something which we should try to prevent?

Over the last few decades a number of endangered languages has grown significantly. There are different opinions with regard to the question of whether dying languages is a normal tendency, which cannot be deterred or people should conserve as many languages as possible [написано длинно и коряво. Я бы написал что-то вроде: ... whether the phenomenon of dying languages is a norm or a worrying issue. While some believe that this development is completely natural, others argue that society should conserve as many languages as possible]. This essay will analyse both questions [positions / views ... question всего один )] before a logical conclusion is drawn.

Unfortunately, a soaring number of local dialects are dying out nowadays, because of their useless [так не говорят. можно написать, например, because of their irrelevancy]. Local [вы использовали local в пред. предложении] people prefer speaking more wide-spread [speaking widespread] and understandable [by who?] languages and [не хватает какого-нибудь коннектора вроде therefore] forget their mother tongues. Moreover, it is commonly believed that if a child learnS two languages simultaneously, they would not master any of them fully that can be a hindrance of successful future life [опять пишете длинно и коряво. более того, это оффтопик, т.к. вы начали обсуждать причины, а не последствия - так что дальнейшее в этом параграфе можно вычеркивать]. For instance, in the communities of immigrants in the USA, many parents avoid even speaking their mother tongue with their children in order to encourage them to study English better. As a result, there are less and less people speaking different languages that leads to their lose.

However, people should try to prevent language dying, because with the lost languages the cultures disappear as well [рунглиш]. Ancestors [whose ancestors?] all over the world encoded [?] their genius in languages [не понял, что сказать хотели]. In addition, languages has always been conveyers of traditions, stories and songs. The overwhelming majority of myths and rituals are also hidden in the folklores of the cultures [и? как это относится к теме?]. Thus, without language there will be no culture [ВОУ! а что мешает пересказывать мифы и легенды на другом языке, например? логика неочевидна]. Hence, people should save as many languages as possible in order to save their cultures and traditions.

In conclusion, it seems [seems? у Вас эссе, а не дружеская беседа] obvious [забудьте слово obvious на время написания эссе] that many languages are lost and continue to die [вы разве это доказывали в эссе??]. Nevertheless, it is mankind that [who] should have a considerable contribution to languages revival. [подождите, а где ответ на вопрос "Is this an acceptable development which occurs inevitably, or is it something which we should try to prevent?". такое предложение должно быть только после соответствующего ответа] It is the only way to retain not only the [лишнее] cultures of nations, but also the [лишнее] exhaustive knowledge about their roots for posterity.[/QUOTE]

[Shtuchka]

Вы по ходу не поняли что я имею ввиду. Например одно из ваших сочинений Илья:

Without capital punishment our lives are less secure and crimes of violence increase. Capital punishment is essential to control violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Вы пишете intro:

... Some people believe that judicial execution is a necessary measure to
ensure the safety of society and to curb the rate of violent crimes. In contrast, this essay will put forward the notion that capital punishment is ineffective in achieving these important goals. ...

Тоесть вы сообщаете о чем будет вестись речь в эссе, но не от первого лица. А в conclusion уже четко сообщаете, что мол:

In conclusion, I completely disagree that the practice of judicial execution

Хотя можно и там и там написать от первого лица. Так вот в чем поинт?